So you two who read this blog know the background to this already. No point in explaining it again...
I have always been a huge believer in the concept that sometimes love isn't enough. Sometimes people can truly love each other, but internal issues or external circumstances can pull them apart regardless. Now I'm not so sure. After this weekend and all the tears I've cried and all the heart-wrenching agony and decision-making... I was sitting next to Brian at the airport, looking at him, feeling scared for the next month but confident in us, and I suddenly realized fully that we love each other. We freaking love each other! And that means that we put the other person's happiness above our own. It means we trust each other to the ends of the earth. It means we'd go through a heck of a lot for the other person. And if that's true... if the feeling and trust and sacrifice is mutual, how could we not last through anything as long as we fight for it?
I'm still not 100% sure what I'm going to do. Well, actually, I am. I'm going to seek God's will and pray and focus on him through this. I'm going to use this time to learn independence... emotional independence from anyone- parents, boyfriend, etc. I'm going to lean on God and myself instead of other people. And whatever the outcome, I'm going to get through this.
God promised me once that I was going to be happy. Not all the time, of course, and it's not like he promised me an easy life. But he promised me contentment and joy. I don't know... is it possible that God gives us decisions in our lives where there isn't a right answer? Where either choice we make will lead to our eventual good, just by a different path? And could those decisions be something as potentially huge as whether or not to break up with a boyfriend?
But I'm rambling now. It's hard not to when I've got so many thoughts swirling around of which I am trying to make sense. I guess, in conclusion, I think I may have underestimated the power of love. I guess time will tell, really. Time will tell. Overall, I feel at peace that things will, in the very long run, turn out well for Brian and I, together or separately.
But for now, I'm still so scared.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Thursday, September 4, 2008
The Best Day.
You know, I've never had a "best day of my life" before. I've had great times, great memories, all that stuff, but when I thought about what day would be the "best," nothing came specifically to mind.
It wasn't until yesterday that I realized that I finally have one... and I honestly don't think that it will be replaced for a long time. I won't explain it all... too much of it was perfect to fit in a blog post. But yeah, talking while sitting next to him on the dock with our feet in the water when it hit me that I just wanted to be where I was forever. And then when I scraped the mayonnaise off his chicken sandwiches... which for some reason just made him so happy. And then just sitting next to him at the pool, eating sunflower seeds, talking sporadically but mostly just sitting there. And then, of course, later in the night when I told him I loved him and knew for absolute certainty that I meant what I said 100%.
And yeah, it was the best day ever. Straight up.
It wasn't until yesterday that I realized that I finally have one... and I honestly don't think that it will be replaced for a long time. I won't explain it all... too much of it was perfect to fit in a blog post. But yeah, talking while sitting next to him on the dock with our feet in the water when it hit me that I just wanted to be where I was forever. And then when I scraped the mayonnaise off his chicken sandwiches... which for some reason just made him so happy. And then just sitting next to him at the pool, eating sunflower seeds, talking sporadically but mostly just sitting there. And then, of course, later in the night when I told him I loved him and knew for absolute certainty that I meant what I said 100%.
And yeah, it was the best day ever. Straight up.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Dreams and the Subconscious
Don't worry. I'm not going to "Freud." (That was an example of a name being used as a verb, by the way.)
All right, I do think that examining one's dreams can be helpful. No, dreaming about a Roman centurion does not mean that you are dealing with resentment due to an overprotective father. But I do feel like dreams shouldn't be immediately dismissed. Dreams are your mind with no filter, and I think sometimes by dreaming you can discover things you never would have allowed yourself to discover otherwise.
So I had a dream today, when I was half awake and half asleep... I dreamt that Brian was with another girl. We must have broken up or something, and he was telling her all the nice things he's told me. And I knew that he meant them and that she was better for him than I was and made him more happy than I did.
It was weird. It's still bothering me just because, upon thinking about it, I realized that it completely embodied my fears of what will happen... that I will just be the next girl that won't work out for him and that when he moves on he won't remember me as anything special. And I still feel this despite the times he's told me in all sincerity differently (not that we'll never break up or anything creepy like that, just so you know).
Maybe it all boils down to trust. That's an interesting thought. Maybe the reason I have this fear is because I haven't totally put my trust in him yet. And trust is the most important part of a relationship, so maybe I need to work on that.
All right, I do think that examining one's dreams can be helpful. No, dreaming about a Roman centurion does not mean that you are dealing with resentment due to an overprotective father. But I do feel like dreams shouldn't be immediately dismissed. Dreams are your mind with no filter, and I think sometimes by dreaming you can discover things you never would have allowed yourself to discover otherwise.
So I had a dream today, when I was half awake and half asleep... I dreamt that Brian was with another girl. We must have broken up or something, and he was telling her all the nice things he's told me. And I knew that he meant them and that she was better for him than I was and made him more happy than I did.
It was weird. It's still bothering me just because, upon thinking about it, I realized that it completely embodied my fears of what will happen... that I will just be the next girl that won't work out for him and that when he moves on he won't remember me as anything special. And I still feel this despite the times he's told me in all sincerity differently (not that we'll never break up or anything creepy like that, just so you know).
Maybe it all boils down to trust. That's an interesting thought. Maybe the reason I have this fear is because I haven't totally put my trust in him yet. And trust is the most important part of a relationship, so maybe I need to work on that.
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Two side notes
a) That got really long really fast. That's what she said.
b) Will I ever learn that stalking and snooping is a bad idea? Or rather, will I ever let the lesson I've learned multiple times keep me from doing the same thing over and over again?
b) Will I ever learn that stalking and snooping is a bad idea? Or rather, will I ever let the lesson I've learned multiple times keep me from doing the same thing over and over again?
Because this is how I work things out
I’m scared. I’m terrified. To begin, you’ve got to understand something about me. I’m very careful about what I say. People who know me will immediately disagree because I have no filter. That’s true. Perhaps I should reword my claim. When it comes to those things in life that matter, I’m very careful about what I say. All you have to do to see that that’s true is consider that I dated a guy that I was crazy about for nine months and never said “I love you” because I wasn’t sure. Turns out, I never was in love. And I’m glad I held off on saying it because I would have been a lot more hurt. There’s one thing I never want to do… I never want to be the girl who “loves” a guy, and when she breaks up with him and gets another boyfriend says, “Oh, I thought I loved *blank* but I didn’t even know what love was. I really love *new guy*.” And then the cycle would repeat. I don’t want to say “I love you” unless I will look back on the relationship thirty years later and say, “Yes, I did love him.” And it’s not just the phrase “I love you.” It’s other phrases of importance too, even back in the day it was “I like you.” When I told Tom after Christmas Break that I would always care about him, it was true. I still care about him. I always will. I feel like making sure I mean what I say is a duty I have both to myself and to others. If I say things I’m not sure I mean, when they turn out to be untrue, everyone is hurt.
He’s not like me. I trust that what he says reflects how he feels. I’m just not sure that what he feels represents the truth. I don’t trust that what he feels is anchored on something solid. I get the feeling sometimes that his emotions cloud his reason and his judgment. I’ve been hurt before by people saying things they didn’t mean. Maybe that’s why I’m more sensitive to being hurt now. But how can I trust that I’m his best friend like he says or that I’m the best thing that ever happened to him if he’s said things like this to other girls as well? I feel the need to be differentiated from the people of his past, but what if there’s nothing left that he can say or do for me that hasn’t already been done?
Maybe it’s too early to want to feel special. No, not maybe. It is too early to expect to feel special, to expect to feel like I’ve somehow already lifted myself above the others. I guess maybe the reason that I’m worrying about this right now is because… well, because I’m falling for him. I feel so at ease around him… far more so than I do with all but my closest friends. He makes me laugh and smile more than pretty much anyone ever has. And anything is fun when he’s around. I’m hitting that point. When it comes to boys and me, things tend to work as follows: a boy starts to like me, and seemingly likes me a lot. I’m a bit more stand-offish. But then, in turn, I start to like them. I start to like them a lot. I start to like them more than they like me. And then they lose interest. And I think I’ve hit the point where the stand-offishness goes to hell and I fall hard. And, of course, if the past repeats itself, this is the point where he will slowly lose interest and I will lose even the hope and illusion that maybe there was something different about me. I don’t want to screw this up.
So what makes me different from others to whom he’s said all that he’s said to me and more? I honestly don’t know. Nothing maybe. But I’ve got to risk it. And I don’t know if it’s because I’m a sick masochist or if it’s because I think this might potentially be a really good thing.
He’s not like me. I trust that what he says reflects how he feels. I’m just not sure that what he feels represents the truth. I don’t trust that what he feels is anchored on something solid. I get the feeling sometimes that his emotions cloud his reason and his judgment. I’ve been hurt before by people saying things they didn’t mean. Maybe that’s why I’m more sensitive to being hurt now. But how can I trust that I’m his best friend like he says or that I’m the best thing that ever happened to him if he’s said things like this to other girls as well? I feel the need to be differentiated from the people of his past, but what if there’s nothing left that he can say or do for me that hasn’t already been done?
Maybe it’s too early to want to feel special. No, not maybe. It is too early to expect to feel special, to expect to feel like I’ve somehow already lifted myself above the others. I guess maybe the reason that I’m worrying about this right now is because… well, because I’m falling for him. I feel so at ease around him… far more so than I do with all but my closest friends. He makes me laugh and smile more than pretty much anyone ever has. And anything is fun when he’s around. I’m hitting that point. When it comes to boys and me, things tend to work as follows: a boy starts to like me, and seemingly likes me a lot. I’m a bit more stand-offish. But then, in turn, I start to like them. I start to like them a lot. I start to like them more than they like me. And then they lose interest. And I think I’ve hit the point where the stand-offishness goes to hell and I fall hard. And, of course, if the past repeats itself, this is the point where he will slowly lose interest and I will lose even the hope and illusion that maybe there was something different about me. I don’t want to screw this up.
So what makes me different from others to whom he’s said all that he’s said to me and more? I honestly don’t know. Nothing maybe. But I’ve got to risk it. And I don’t know if it’s because I’m a sick masochist or if it’s because I think this might potentially be a really good thing.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
What can you do?
What do you do when someone your pretty sure you still care about is making decisions in his life that you think will end up badly for him?
Easy answer. Okay, now add the fact that he will assume you're giving him advice for the wrong reasons?
And what if you're not even sure yourself what your intentions would be in telling him what you think?
You stay silent and realize it's not your life. And I guess you pray for the best.
On a related note, something is bothering me, and I don't know what it is. It could be any one or combination of a few things.
Easy answer. Okay, now add the fact that he will assume you're giving him advice for the wrong reasons?
And what if you're not even sure yourself what your intentions would be in telling him what you think?
You stay silent and realize it's not your life. And I guess you pray for the best.
On a related note, something is bothering me, and I don't know what it is. It could be any one or combination of a few things.
Saturday, May 10, 2008
An amazing quote...
There is a line in W.H. Auden's "September 1, 1939" which states, "We must love one another or die." That in itself is a hugely powerful quote. Just think about the importance that places on the both incredibly simple yet incomprehensible act of love... if we didn't love one another, that lack of connection with another human being would be enough to kill us.
However, Auden later changed the quote because he considered it dishonest. A single changed word turns a powerful quote into an unforgettable one. "We must love one another and die." Loving each other will not keep us from our ultimate fate. Love will not save us like so many people seem to believe. Love is not a magical emotion that extends our life indefinitely. Love does not make us immortal. However, it's something we must do. As certain as death is love. Death is the one thing that unites humans. Despite all our differences, we must die. But Auden adds another certainty, another connection. Not only must we die, but we must love. Love is as inevitable and as natural to the human condition as death.
Just think about it.
However, Auden later changed the quote because he considered it dishonest. A single changed word turns a powerful quote into an unforgettable one. "We must love one another and die." Loving each other will not keep us from our ultimate fate. Love will not save us like so many people seem to believe. Love is not a magical emotion that extends our life indefinitely. Love does not make us immortal. However, it's something we must do. As certain as death is love. Death is the one thing that unites humans. Despite all our differences, we must die. But Auden adds another certainty, another connection. Not only must we die, but we must love. Love is as inevitable and as natural to the human condition as death.
Just think about it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
