I'm making this note now in case I need to look be reminded of this in the future. Better to act unneccessarily ahead of time than to screw up by not acting soon enough.
NOTE:
You've made some mistakes before, but they're worth it because you learned from them. Don't make the same mistake again or you risk nullifying the value of those previous mistakes.
Think. Not too hard, but remember that when your brain and emotions disagree, your brain is probably right.
Don't blind yourself from the similarities between the past and present.
You're a smart girl. Remember that.
Also, remember Sartre. Live in good faith. Take control of your decisions.
Have fun! Not everything is as big of a deal as you may make it.
Be satisfied where you are at the moment. Don't think too hard about the uncontrollable aspects of the future.
END OF NOTE
Friday, March 28, 2008
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Self-reflection in the Light of Current Situations
I decided now was a good time to document things that I learned in my past relationship. I’m far enough away from it that I can look at it objectively, but it’s still close enough to remember well.
1. I’m terrified of being “that girl.”
I’m not high maintenance. I’m low key. But I was always scared to demand anything because I was afraid that I would be “that girl,” the high maintenance, clingy one. I’ve seen so many other relationships from the sideline that I’ve sort of invented an image of what I need to do to be a good girlfriend. Sometimes it’s bad like when I got a ride home from the airport with a stranger instead of telling him that he had to pick me up at the airport. But sometimes it’s good. It kept me from being “that girl” that stays in an unhealthy relationship just because she’s too scared to be on her own. I think I learned a good deal about telling which is which.
2. Why I lash out…
I have noticed a phenomenon in my reaction to events. I can just take things in stride without ever getting mad for a long time. Then, something totally tiny happens that is completely insignificant and I yell and get angry and then apologize for being a freak. I finally understand why this is. I think that I take things and take things and the reason I then freak out over something small is because it’s safe. I can get my anger out, I can get my feelings out without having to face the consequences of actually owning up to them. If I yell about something ridiculous, I can always just say, “I don’t know why I did that… I was just in a really bad mood for some reason.”
3. I don’t express myself
This is along the lines of the other two. I didn’t say anything about the problems we had until it was a make or break deal. I didn’t say anything about how he was treating me until I couldn’t live like that anymore. If I had said something sooner, before the issue had snowballed in my mind, then it would have been far easier to work things out.
4. I need to make decisions.
Partly from reading Tess and reading about her lack of decision making, I’ve realized that sometimes I just need to man up and make a choice. Sitting in indecision forever won’t get me anywhere. All I ever wanted to do was see if he still wanted to work things out. I always wanted to put off relationship decisions for as long as possible. And in the end, that just caused me a lot of undue stress.
5. I can have a break-up and not be bitter!
It was nice to discover this. I don’t hate him. I realized around Christmas Break that no matter what happened between us I would always care about him. And I still do. And I still believe I always will. I’m glad to be single, my quality of life went up a lot after we broke up, he hurt me a lot, but I’m not mad at him. Right now I’m at the point where I believe he has a good heart but is very immature and doesn’t know how to deal with life. I honestly hope he grows up and learns what he wants and ends up happy.
So yeah, a list of things that I learned because of this relationship/break-up. And my general opinion is that an experience is worth the pain it causes if you can take at least one lesson from it.
1. I’m terrified of being “that girl.”
I’m not high maintenance. I’m low key. But I was always scared to demand anything because I was afraid that I would be “that girl,” the high maintenance, clingy one. I’ve seen so many other relationships from the sideline that I’ve sort of invented an image of what I need to do to be a good girlfriend. Sometimes it’s bad like when I got a ride home from the airport with a stranger instead of telling him that he had to pick me up at the airport. But sometimes it’s good. It kept me from being “that girl” that stays in an unhealthy relationship just because she’s too scared to be on her own. I think I learned a good deal about telling which is which.
2. Why I lash out…
I have noticed a phenomenon in my reaction to events. I can just take things in stride without ever getting mad for a long time. Then, something totally tiny happens that is completely insignificant and I yell and get angry and then apologize for being a freak. I finally understand why this is. I think that I take things and take things and the reason I then freak out over something small is because it’s safe. I can get my anger out, I can get my feelings out without having to face the consequences of actually owning up to them. If I yell about something ridiculous, I can always just say, “I don’t know why I did that… I was just in a really bad mood for some reason.”
3. I don’t express myself
This is along the lines of the other two. I didn’t say anything about the problems we had until it was a make or break deal. I didn’t say anything about how he was treating me until I couldn’t live like that anymore. If I had said something sooner, before the issue had snowballed in my mind, then it would have been far easier to work things out.
4. I need to make decisions.
Partly from reading Tess and reading about her lack of decision making, I’ve realized that sometimes I just need to man up and make a choice. Sitting in indecision forever won’t get me anywhere. All I ever wanted to do was see if he still wanted to work things out. I always wanted to put off relationship decisions for as long as possible. And in the end, that just caused me a lot of undue stress.
5. I can have a break-up and not be bitter!
It was nice to discover this. I don’t hate him. I realized around Christmas Break that no matter what happened between us I would always care about him. And I still do. And I still believe I always will. I’m glad to be single, my quality of life went up a lot after we broke up, he hurt me a lot, but I’m not mad at him. Right now I’m at the point where I believe he has a good heart but is very immature and doesn’t know how to deal with life. I honestly hope he grows up and learns what he wants and ends up happy.
So yeah, a list of things that I learned because of this relationship/break-up. And my general opinion is that an experience is worth the pain it causes if you can take at least one lesson from it.
Monday, March 17, 2008
Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy?
I had the oddest experience earlier today. A little background info is required, though.
A couple of months ago, I had a dream that I was in class. In the midst of class, I remembered that I was supposed to be on vacation and that I was certain I had gone to sleep in my bed at home the night before. This dream still felt 100% real, but the only way I could explain the strange turn of events was that I was, in fact, dreaming. I turned to a girl in my class and told her this. She looked at me like I was crazy and I felt a little crazy myself considering I still felt like I was awake. Then I closed my eyes really tight and forced myself awake. Lo and behold, I woke up in my bed at home.
Tonight I was taking a test… a very long test that had me spaced out entirely and in a bit of a dream world. I circled the wrong answer (with my pencil… pencil kicks pen’s butt anytime), but when I went to erase it, it wouldn’t erase. I tried my eraser on other pencil marks and that worked just fine. I was about to just move on when I had the exact same realization that I had a couple of months ago. The only way to explain pencil marks that WON’T erase seemed to be that I was dreaming. So I sat there for a few moments with no idea if I was awake or asleep. I thought about asking someone, but in addition to not wanting to embarrass myself if I was awake, it wouldn’t have done any good if I was asleep. After performing a couple of reality checks (trying to wake up, seeing if I could rearrange letters on a page, etc.) I determined that I must be awake. And I was. But for probably half an hour after, I still had a weird, nagging feeling that perhaps I was asleep after all.
A couple of months ago, I had a dream that I was in class. In the midst of class, I remembered that I was supposed to be on vacation and that I was certain I had gone to sleep in my bed at home the night before. This dream still felt 100% real, but the only way I could explain the strange turn of events was that I was, in fact, dreaming. I turned to a girl in my class and told her this. She looked at me like I was crazy and I felt a little crazy myself considering I still felt like I was awake. Then I closed my eyes really tight and forced myself awake. Lo and behold, I woke up in my bed at home.
Tonight I was taking a test… a very long test that had me spaced out entirely and in a bit of a dream world. I circled the wrong answer (with my pencil… pencil kicks pen’s butt anytime), but when I went to erase it, it wouldn’t erase. I tried my eraser on other pencil marks and that worked just fine. I was about to just move on when I had the exact same realization that I had a couple of months ago. The only way to explain pencil marks that WON’T erase seemed to be that I was dreaming. So I sat there for a few moments with no idea if I was awake or asleep. I thought about asking someone, but in addition to not wanting to embarrass myself if I was awake, it wouldn’t have done any good if I was asleep. After performing a couple of reality checks (trying to wake up, seeing if I could rearrange letters on a page, etc.) I determined that I must be awake. And I was. But for probably half an hour after, I still had a weird, nagging feeling that perhaps I was asleep after all.
Sunday, March 2, 2008
A Good Man is Hard to Find
Actually, I'm not lamenting about men. I've done that enough recently. I'm lamenting about the paper I have to write about Flannery O'Conner's short story "A Good Man is Hard to Find." And actually, this might fit more under the category of "procrastination" as opposed to "lamentation."
I was going to start this paper on the bus ride home yesterday. I had seven hours. I wrote "A Good Man is Hard to Find" at the top of a page. I did do some other homework, but nothing that was due on Monday like this paper is. Oops. I got back to the dorm at midnight, got to bed at 1:30, and set my alarm for 5:30 this morning so I could get up and do it before church. I ended up getting up at 7:30. Oops again. I have a busy day today which is why I was going to get up early. I go to Sunday School now so church lasts from 9:30 to 12:00. I have track from 3:00 to 5:00. I have to talk to Tom sometime this evening. And I have small group from 8:00 to 9:00. So yeah, I really should be working on this paper.
I'm done with two of the four pages, so I have a good start. If each of my paragraphs is one half a page long, I'll end up with three. In other words, I need to make sure that all of my paragraphs are slightly longer than one half a page. I'm doing pretty well with that aspect so far. In fact, I'm right on pace. But yeah, I really don't want to do any more of this silly paper. All I want to do today is take a nap... a very long nap. I almost fell asleep in church today. and I may not get much sleep tonight due to the whole "I'm doing a blog post instead of writing a paper" thing.
I guess maybe I should go and do the whole paper thing now.
I was going to start this paper on the bus ride home yesterday. I had seven hours. I wrote "A Good Man is Hard to Find" at the top of a page. I did do some other homework, but nothing that was due on Monday like this paper is. Oops. I got back to the dorm at midnight, got to bed at 1:30, and set my alarm for 5:30 this morning so I could get up and do it before church. I ended up getting up at 7:30. Oops again. I have a busy day today which is why I was going to get up early. I go to Sunday School now so church lasts from 9:30 to 12:00. I have track from 3:00 to 5:00. I have to talk to Tom sometime this evening. And I have small group from 8:00 to 9:00. So yeah, I really should be working on this paper.
I'm done with two of the four pages, so I have a good start. If each of my paragraphs is one half a page long, I'll end up with three. In other words, I need to make sure that all of my paragraphs are slightly longer than one half a page. I'm doing pretty well with that aspect so far. In fact, I'm right on pace. But yeah, I really don't want to do any more of this silly paper. All I want to do today is take a nap... a very long nap. I almost fell asleep in church today. and I may not get much sleep tonight due to the whole "I'm doing a blog post instead of writing a paper" thing.
I guess maybe I should go and do the whole paper thing now.
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