a) That got really long really fast. That's what she said.
b) Will I ever learn that stalking and snooping is a bad idea? Or rather, will I ever let the lesson I've learned multiple times keep me from doing the same thing over and over again?
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Because this is how I work things out
I’m scared. I’m terrified. To begin, you’ve got to understand something about me. I’m very careful about what I say. People who know me will immediately disagree because I have no filter. That’s true. Perhaps I should reword my claim. When it comes to those things in life that matter, I’m very careful about what I say. All you have to do to see that that’s true is consider that I dated a guy that I was crazy about for nine months and never said “I love you” because I wasn’t sure. Turns out, I never was in love. And I’m glad I held off on saying it because I would have been a lot more hurt. There’s one thing I never want to do… I never want to be the girl who “loves” a guy, and when she breaks up with him and gets another boyfriend says, “Oh, I thought I loved *blank* but I didn’t even know what love was. I really love *new guy*.” And then the cycle would repeat. I don’t want to say “I love you” unless I will look back on the relationship thirty years later and say, “Yes, I did love him.” And it’s not just the phrase “I love you.” It’s other phrases of importance too, even back in the day it was “I like you.” When I told Tom after Christmas Break that I would always care about him, it was true. I still care about him. I always will. I feel like making sure I mean what I say is a duty I have both to myself and to others. If I say things I’m not sure I mean, when they turn out to be untrue, everyone is hurt.
He’s not like me. I trust that what he says reflects how he feels. I’m just not sure that what he feels represents the truth. I don’t trust that what he feels is anchored on something solid. I get the feeling sometimes that his emotions cloud his reason and his judgment. I’ve been hurt before by people saying things they didn’t mean. Maybe that’s why I’m more sensitive to being hurt now. But how can I trust that I’m his best friend like he says or that I’m the best thing that ever happened to him if he’s said things like this to other girls as well? I feel the need to be differentiated from the people of his past, but what if there’s nothing left that he can say or do for me that hasn’t already been done?
Maybe it’s too early to want to feel special. No, not maybe. It is too early to expect to feel special, to expect to feel like I’ve somehow already lifted myself above the others. I guess maybe the reason that I’m worrying about this right now is because… well, because I’m falling for him. I feel so at ease around him… far more so than I do with all but my closest friends. He makes me laugh and smile more than pretty much anyone ever has. And anything is fun when he’s around. I’m hitting that point. When it comes to boys and me, things tend to work as follows: a boy starts to like me, and seemingly likes me a lot. I’m a bit more stand-offish. But then, in turn, I start to like them. I start to like them a lot. I start to like them more than they like me. And then they lose interest. And I think I’ve hit the point where the stand-offishness goes to hell and I fall hard. And, of course, if the past repeats itself, this is the point where he will slowly lose interest and I will lose even the hope and illusion that maybe there was something different about me. I don’t want to screw this up.
So what makes me different from others to whom he’s said all that he’s said to me and more? I honestly don’t know. Nothing maybe. But I’ve got to risk it. And I don’t know if it’s because I’m a sick masochist or if it’s because I think this might potentially be a really good thing.
He’s not like me. I trust that what he says reflects how he feels. I’m just not sure that what he feels represents the truth. I don’t trust that what he feels is anchored on something solid. I get the feeling sometimes that his emotions cloud his reason and his judgment. I’ve been hurt before by people saying things they didn’t mean. Maybe that’s why I’m more sensitive to being hurt now. But how can I trust that I’m his best friend like he says or that I’m the best thing that ever happened to him if he’s said things like this to other girls as well? I feel the need to be differentiated from the people of his past, but what if there’s nothing left that he can say or do for me that hasn’t already been done?
Maybe it’s too early to want to feel special. No, not maybe. It is too early to expect to feel special, to expect to feel like I’ve somehow already lifted myself above the others. I guess maybe the reason that I’m worrying about this right now is because… well, because I’m falling for him. I feel so at ease around him… far more so than I do with all but my closest friends. He makes me laugh and smile more than pretty much anyone ever has. And anything is fun when he’s around. I’m hitting that point. When it comes to boys and me, things tend to work as follows: a boy starts to like me, and seemingly likes me a lot. I’m a bit more stand-offish. But then, in turn, I start to like them. I start to like them a lot. I start to like them more than they like me. And then they lose interest. And I think I’ve hit the point where the stand-offishness goes to hell and I fall hard. And, of course, if the past repeats itself, this is the point where he will slowly lose interest and I will lose even the hope and illusion that maybe there was something different about me. I don’t want to screw this up.
So what makes me different from others to whom he’s said all that he’s said to me and more? I honestly don’t know. Nothing maybe. But I’ve got to risk it. And I don’t know if it’s because I’m a sick masochist or if it’s because I think this might potentially be a really good thing.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
What can you do?
What do you do when someone your pretty sure you still care about is making decisions in his life that you think will end up badly for him?
Easy answer. Okay, now add the fact that he will assume you're giving him advice for the wrong reasons?
And what if you're not even sure yourself what your intentions would be in telling him what you think?
You stay silent and realize it's not your life. And I guess you pray for the best.
On a related note, something is bothering me, and I don't know what it is. It could be any one or combination of a few things.
Easy answer. Okay, now add the fact that he will assume you're giving him advice for the wrong reasons?
And what if you're not even sure yourself what your intentions would be in telling him what you think?
You stay silent and realize it's not your life. And I guess you pray for the best.
On a related note, something is bothering me, and I don't know what it is. It could be any one or combination of a few things.
Saturday, May 10, 2008
An amazing quote...
There is a line in W.H. Auden's "September 1, 1939" which states, "We must love one another or die." That in itself is a hugely powerful quote. Just think about the importance that places on the both incredibly simple yet incomprehensible act of love... if we didn't love one another, that lack of connection with another human being would be enough to kill us.
However, Auden later changed the quote because he considered it dishonest. A single changed word turns a powerful quote into an unforgettable one. "We must love one another and die." Loving each other will not keep us from our ultimate fate. Love will not save us like so many people seem to believe. Love is not a magical emotion that extends our life indefinitely. Love does not make us immortal. However, it's something we must do. As certain as death is love. Death is the one thing that unites humans. Despite all our differences, we must die. But Auden adds another certainty, another connection. Not only must we die, but we must love. Love is as inevitable and as natural to the human condition as death.
Just think about it.
However, Auden later changed the quote because he considered it dishonest. A single changed word turns a powerful quote into an unforgettable one. "We must love one another and die." Loving each other will not keep us from our ultimate fate. Love will not save us like so many people seem to believe. Love is not a magical emotion that extends our life indefinitely. Love does not make us immortal. However, it's something we must do. As certain as death is love. Death is the one thing that unites humans. Despite all our differences, we must die. But Auden adds another certainty, another connection. Not only must we die, but we must love. Love is as inevitable and as natural to the human condition as death.
Just think about it.
Saturday, May 3, 2008
For no other reason...
...than the fact that I'm bored. I suppose I'll begin by sharing some random revelations I've had lately.
-I exist. I stood up a few days ago and this concept suddenly passed through my head. The next thought that ran through my head is that I am bad at existing and tend to waste a lot of said existence.
-Recently, I was feeling a little whore-ish for really kind of liking a guy because Tom and I didn't break up that long ago. Then I realized it's been over three months. That's a pretty long time ago. It's not like I'm going to rush out and start dating people, but I realized that I legitimately could if I wanted to.
-I'm really bad at homework. Like, really bad. I've been putting so much of it off. Finals week is going to annihilate me. Luckily I have a lot of leeway in most of my classes. Hopefully it's enough.
-The door next to us slams entirely too much. Enough said.
Wow, I had surprisingly little to say. That's interesting in itself.
-I exist. I stood up a few days ago and this concept suddenly passed through my head. The next thought that ran through my head is that I am bad at existing and tend to waste a lot of said existence.
-Recently, I was feeling a little whore-ish for really kind of liking a guy because Tom and I didn't break up that long ago. Then I realized it's been over three months. That's a pretty long time ago. It's not like I'm going to rush out and start dating people, but I realized that I legitimately could if I wanted to.
-I'm really bad at homework. Like, really bad. I've been putting so much of it off. Finals week is going to annihilate me. Luckily I have a lot of leeway in most of my classes. Hopefully it's enough.
-The door next to us slams entirely too much. Enough said.
Wow, I had surprisingly little to say. That's interesting in itself.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
For the seventh time...
I just finished reading Lord of the Rings for the seventh time, I think. Every time I read it through, I notice something different. This is the first time I've read it since "The Return of the King" movie came out, and I think that fact influenced what I really noticed during this reading.
My mind was just blown by how important a part "The Scouring of the Shire" is to the story and most of all, to the characters. I still understood why Peter Jackson left it out, so I won't rag on him... about that, anyway... I've got bigger bones to pick with him (like Faramir). My argument for "The Scouring of the Shire" has always been that it really portrays the pervasiveness of evil-- that nothing can escape its taint.
This time, though, I realized how important the final episode was to the character of each of the hobbits. Throughout the story, they all change and grow, and you see that happening, but the scouring basically serves as a before-and-after picture. You can see the early Frodo/Sam/Merry/Pippin in the hobbits of the Shire... their fear and uncertainty. But after the adventure, they have such a greater understanding of everything, from logistical things like raising armies to internal things like the importance of courage and standing up for what is right. Their growth is really made obvious by the final chapters of the story... that's what makes "The Scouring of the Shire" so darn great.
My mind was just blown by how important a part "The Scouring of the Shire" is to the story and most of all, to the characters. I still understood why Peter Jackson left it out, so I won't rag on him... about that, anyway... I've got bigger bones to pick with him (like Faramir). My argument for "The Scouring of the Shire" has always been that it really portrays the pervasiveness of evil-- that nothing can escape its taint.
This time, though, I realized how important the final episode was to the character of each of the hobbits. Throughout the story, they all change and grow, and you see that happening, but the scouring basically serves as a before-and-after picture. You can see the early Frodo/Sam/Merry/Pippin in the hobbits of the Shire... their fear and uncertainty. But after the adventure, they have such a greater understanding of everything, from logistical things like raising armies to internal things like the importance of courage and standing up for what is right. Their growth is really made obvious by the final chapters of the story... that's what makes "The Scouring of the Shire" so darn great.
Monday, April 28, 2008
Trivial Pursuit
It puts everything into perspective... I think about the things that were bugging me two days ago and then think about Dan and his family and the guys in the car with him and what this whole campus is facing now, and I realize how trivial the other stuff is.
The weird thing is, even now life goes on. Kids are playing frisbee in the Loop. I celebrated my A on the paper. Even Collin who was in the car was in class today. The world doesn't stop... not that it should, or anything. It's just interesting to think that something this huge happens, and the river of life has to flow around it-- a rock interrupting the flow, changing the course of the river, but not stopping it at all.
What do you say? What do you do? I saw Justin (who was also in the wreck) today in passing, and I just said, "I'm really glad to see you're okay... I'm praying for you guys." And that's all I can do. There's a different kind of solidity to this problem than the trivial ones. What I do does affect my grades, my relationships, my silly little problems, but this is set in stone.
It's interesting that this incident has relieved my worry about everything. I'm sad and distressed, yes, but the worry I've had recently about tests and papers and track has dissipated I suppose because life has been brought into perspective again.
But this is all just a bunch of ramblings that should have been a comment but will instead become a post. I guess I'm just trying to work my way through what happened, which is never a bad thing to do.
The weird thing is, even now life goes on. Kids are playing frisbee in the Loop. I celebrated my A on the paper. Even Collin who was in the car was in class today. The world doesn't stop... not that it should, or anything. It's just interesting to think that something this huge happens, and the river of life has to flow around it-- a rock interrupting the flow, changing the course of the river, but not stopping it at all.
What do you say? What do you do? I saw Justin (who was also in the wreck) today in passing, and I just said, "I'm really glad to see you're okay... I'm praying for you guys." And that's all I can do. There's a different kind of solidity to this problem than the trivial ones. What I do does affect my grades, my relationships, my silly little problems, but this is set in stone.
It's interesting that this incident has relieved my worry about everything. I'm sad and distressed, yes, but the worry I've had recently about tests and papers and track has dissipated I suppose because life has been brought into perspective again.
But this is all just a bunch of ramblings that should have been a comment but will instead become a post. I guess I'm just trying to work my way through what happened, which is never a bad thing to do.
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