A Text

"When you get back could we talk?"

It's interesting.

It's interesting how I can invest nine months of my life in him-- give up a whole day helping him with a paper he put off, go to all of his home swim meets, quiz him on anatomy and physiology, meet his family, be there to listen to him and talk to him-- and then suddenly we don't even make eye contact or say hello when we cross paths so close to each other that we nearly run into each other.

It's like I know him less now than when we started going out.

A poem for class

This may be too sentimental and sappy. I don't know. We're supposed to write a poem focused on an object.
_________________


On Borrowed Time


It’s not a particularly nice hat.

It needs to be washed.
There’s a man embroidered with faded red
thread on the front who looks like he’s
burning. You say you got it from church camp.

I don’t see the connection.

I borrowed it and never remembered
to give it back. Then I started
forgetting on purpose. You never
asked, and now I’m thankful

for our forgetfulness.

I’m hungry, but as I open the door
to leave my house, car keys
in hand, hat pulled down low
over my eyes, I stop, scared

that you will see me

wearing the hat. Scared
that you will demand it back.
I close the door again. I have
leftovers. You belong to

someone else now, but this small piece

of you, this insignificant portion
of your past that you forgot
I borrowed
is mine.

Maybe someday you’ll remember.

Not moving on yet, but moving forward

I talked to my mom last night... and I feel a lot better now.

First off, just knowing that I made it through a ridiculously awful day is uplifting. If I could make it through yesterday, I can make it through any one day that this situation is going to cause.

Second, my mom told me that God promised her that I would be better by Easter. Easter is on March 23 this year. Ironically, Lent just started. Some people give up chocolate for Lent... looks like I'm giving up happiness. Although I knew that I would start feeling better eventually, having a time frame in which that is going to happen takes a huge burden off of me. I'm no longer staring blankly into a void wondering how long I'll have to wander through the darkness before I reach the end. There's something that I can work towards, a visible goal.

I'm still sad. I'm sure I haven't cried for the last time. I still like him... a lot. And I still feel sad when I think that this will be just a blip in the radar of my life because that means that he himself will just be a blip in my life and I'll just be a blip in his, worthy of no more than a sentence or two story to my possible future kids when they ask about my first boyfriend.

But I know that I'll be better. And I know that as hard as things are right now, it's worth it. I know I made the rightd decision.

What the WTF?

I feel sick.

I was doing homework early this morning... got bored... checked my Facebook... decided to stalk him (hey, I stalk everyone else too, right?)...

He wrote "Happy Valentine's Day" on some girl's wall.

I'm pissed. And sad. And pissed that I'm sad.

Sleep... who needs it?

I just tried to take a nap. It didn't work. Every time I try to fall asleep, I start crying instead. Now I remember why I stayed up until two or three in the morning every night for the first two thirds of senior year.

I wonder.

How can I fully know that a certain decision is what is best for me and still feel miserable?

Why do I feel things so deeply? Will I ever even be able to function in the world when everything hurts so much?

I kind of thought it would get easier. Now I'm scared that it will be just as hard.

I just want to know. It's going to be a miserable two days.

I hate that this is affecting me so much. It makes me feel weak. It makes me feel out of control.

On Sunday in church we sang my favorite song. I'm not usually one for posting lyrics, but this hymn is just a beautiful promise. I'll type out the second verse because it's my favorite.

Many times Satan whispered,
"There is no need to try,
For there's no end to sorrow,
There's no hope by and by."
But I know thou art with me
And tomorrow I'll rise
Where the storm never darkens the sky.

Till the storm passes over,
Till the thunder sounds no more,
Till the clouds roll forever from the sky.
Hold me fast, let me stand
In the hollow of thy hand,
Keep me safe till the storm passes by.



It's nice to know that no matter how much things suck, they will get better and that until then God himself is protecting us.