a) That got really long really fast. That's what she said.
b) Will I ever learn that stalking and snooping is a bad idea? Or rather, will I ever let the lesson I've learned multiple times keep me from doing the same thing over and over again?
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Because this is how I work things out
I’m scared. I’m terrified. To begin, you’ve got to understand something about me. I’m very careful about what I say. People who know me will immediately disagree because I have no filter. That’s true. Perhaps I should reword my claim. When it comes to those things in life that matter, I’m very careful about what I say. All you have to do to see that that’s true is consider that I dated a guy that I was crazy about for nine months and never said “I love you” because I wasn’t sure. Turns out, I never was in love. And I’m glad I held off on saying it because I would have been a lot more hurt. There’s one thing I never want to do… I never want to be the girl who “loves” a guy, and when she breaks up with him and gets another boyfriend says, “Oh, I thought I loved *blank* but I didn’t even know what love was. I really love *new guy*.” And then the cycle would repeat. I don’t want to say “I love you” unless I will look back on the relationship thirty years later and say, “Yes, I did love him.” And it’s not just the phrase “I love you.” It’s other phrases of importance too, even back in the day it was “I like you.” When I told Tom after Christmas Break that I would always care about him, it was true. I still care about him. I always will. I feel like making sure I mean what I say is a duty I have both to myself and to others. If I say things I’m not sure I mean, when they turn out to be untrue, everyone is hurt.
He’s not like me. I trust that what he says reflects how he feels. I’m just not sure that what he feels represents the truth. I don’t trust that what he feels is anchored on something solid. I get the feeling sometimes that his emotions cloud his reason and his judgment. I’ve been hurt before by people saying things they didn’t mean. Maybe that’s why I’m more sensitive to being hurt now. But how can I trust that I’m his best friend like he says or that I’m the best thing that ever happened to him if he’s said things like this to other girls as well? I feel the need to be differentiated from the people of his past, but what if there’s nothing left that he can say or do for me that hasn’t already been done?
Maybe it’s too early to want to feel special. No, not maybe. It is too early to expect to feel special, to expect to feel like I’ve somehow already lifted myself above the others. I guess maybe the reason that I’m worrying about this right now is because… well, because I’m falling for him. I feel so at ease around him… far more so than I do with all but my closest friends. He makes me laugh and smile more than pretty much anyone ever has. And anything is fun when he’s around. I’m hitting that point. When it comes to boys and me, things tend to work as follows: a boy starts to like me, and seemingly likes me a lot. I’m a bit more stand-offish. But then, in turn, I start to like them. I start to like them a lot. I start to like them more than they like me. And then they lose interest. And I think I’ve hit the point where the stand-offishness goes to hell and I fall hard. And, of course, if the past repeats itself, this is the point where he will slowly lose interest and I will lose even the hope and illusion that maybe there was something different about me. I don’t want to screw this up.
So what makes me different from others to whom he’s said all that he’s said to me and more? I honestly don’t know. Nothing maybe. But I’ve got to risk it. And I don’t know if it’s because I’m a sick masochist or if it’s because I think this might potentially be a really good thing.
He’s not like me. I trust that what he says reflects how he feels. I’m just not sure that what he feels represents the truth. I don’t trust that what he feels is anchored on something solid. I get the feeling sometimes that his emotions cloud his reason and his judgment. I’ve been hurt before by people saying things they didn’t mean. Maybe that’s why I’m more sensitive to being hurt now. But how can I trust that I’m his best friend like he says or that I’m the best thing that ever happened to him if he’s said things like this to other girls as well? I feel the need to be differentiated from the people of his past, but what if there’s nothing left that he can say or do for me that hasn’t already been done?
Maybe it’s too early to want to feel special. No, not maybe. It is too early to expect to feel special, to expect to feel like I’ve somehow already lifted myself above the others. I guess maybe the reason that I’m worrying about this right now is because… well, because I’m falling for him. I feel so at ease around him… far more so than I do with all but my closest friends. He makes me laugh and smile more than pretty much anyone ever has. And anything is fun when he’s around. I’m hitting that point. When it comes to boys and me, things tend to work as follows: a boy starts to like me, and seemingly likes me a lot. I’m a bit more stand-offish. But then, in turn, I start to like them. I start to like them a lot. I start to like them more than they like me. And then they lose interest. And I think I’ve hit the point where the stand-offishness goes to hell and I fall hard. And, of course, if the past repeats itself, this is the point where he will slowly lose interest and I will lose even the hope and illusion that maybe there was something different about me. I don’t want to screw this up.
So what makes me different from others to whom he’s said all that he’s said to me and more? I honestly don’t know. Nothing maybe. But I’ve got to risk it. And I don’t know if it’s because I’m a sick masochist or if it’s because I think this might potentially be a really good thing.
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