Love conquers all...

So you two who read this blog know the background to this already. No point in explaining it again...

I have always been a huge believer in the concept that sometimes love isn't enough. Sometimes people can truly love each other, but internal issues or external circumstances can pull them apart regardless. Now I'm not so sure. After this weekend and all the tears I've cried and all the heart-wrenching agony and decision-making... I was sitting next to Brian at the airport, looking at him, feeling scared for the next month but confident in us, and I suddenly realized fully that we love each other. We freaking love each other! And that means that we put the other person's happiness above our own. It means we trust each other to the ends of the earth. It means we'd go through a heck of a lot for the other person. And if that's true... if the feeling and trust and sacrifice is mutual, how could we not last through anything as long as we fight for it?

I'm still not 100% sure what I'm going to do. Well, actually, I am. I'm going to seek God's will and pray and focus on him through this. I'm going to use this time to learn independence... emotional independence from anyone- parents, boyfriend, etc. I'm going to lean on God and myself instead of other people. And whatever the outcome, I'm going to get through this.

God promised me once that I was going to be happy. Not all the time, of course, and it's not like he promised me an easy life. But he promised me contentment and joy. I don't know... is it possible that God gives us decisions in our lives where there isn't a right answer? Where either choice we make will lead to our eventual good, just by a different path? And could those decisions be something as potentially huge as whether or not to break up with a boyfriend?

But I'm rambling now. It's hard not to when I've got so many thoughts swirling around of which I am trying to make sense. I guess, in conclusion, I think I may have underestimated the power of love. I guess time will tell, really. Time will tell. Overall, I feel at peace that things will, in the very long run, turn out well for Brian and I, together or separately.

But for now, I'm still so scared.

The Best Day.

You know, I've never had a "best day of my life" before. I've had great times, great memories, all that stuff, but when I thought about what day would be the "best," nothing came specifically to mind.

It wasn't until yesterday that I realized that I finally have one... and I honestly don't think that it will be replaced for a long time. I won't explain it all... too much of it was perfect to fit in a blog post. But yeah, talking while sitting next to him on the dock with our feet in the water when it hit me that I just wanted to be where I was forever. And then when I scraped the mayonnaise off his chicken sandwiches... which for some reason just made him so happy. And then just sitting next to him at the pool, eating sunflower seeds, talking sporadically but mostly just sitting there. And then, of course, later in the night when I told him I loved him and knew for absolute certainty that I meant what I said 100%.

And yeah, it was the best day ever. Straight up.

Dreams and the Subconscious

Don't worry. I'm not going to "Freud." (That was an example of a name being used as a verb, by the way.)

All right, I do think that examining one's dreams can be helpful. No, dreaming about a Roman centurion does not mean that you are dealing with resentment due to an overprotective father. But I do feel like dreams shouldn't be immediately dismissed. Dreams are your mind with no filter, and I think sometimes by dreaming you can discover things you never would have allowed yourself to discover otherwise.

So I had a dream today, when I was half awake and half asleep... I dreamt that Brian was with another girl. We must have broken up or something, and he was telling her all the nice things he's told me. And I knew that he meant them and that she was better for him than I was and made him more happy than I did.

It was weird. It's still bothering me just because, upon thinking about it, I realized that it completely embodied my fears of what will happen... that I will just be the next girl that won't work out for him and that when he moves on he won't remember me as anything special. And I still feel this despite the times he's told me in all sincerity differently (not that we'll never break up or anything creepy like that, just so you know).

Maybe it all boils down to trust. That's an interesting thought. Maybe the reason I have this fear is because I haven't totally put my trust in him yet. And trust is the most important part of a relationship, so maybe I need to work on that.

Two side notes

a) That got really long really fast. That's what she said.

b) Will I ever learn that stalking and snooping is a bad idea? Or rather, will I ever let the lesson I've learned multiple times keep me from doing the same thing over and over again?

Because this is how I work things out

I’m scared. I’m terrified. To begin, you’ve got to understand something about me. I’m very careful about what I say. People who know me will immediately disagree because I have no filter. That’s true. Perhaps I should reword my claim. When it comes to those things in life that matter, I’m very careful about what I say. All you have to do to see that that’s true is consider that I dated a guy that I was crazy about for nine months and never said “I love you” because I wasn’t sure. Turns out, I never was in love. And I’m glad I held off on saying it because I would have been a lot more hurt. There’s one thing I never want to do… I never want to be the girl who “loves” a guy, and when she breaks up with him and gets another boyfriend says, “Oh, I thought I loved *blank* but I didn’t even know what love was. I really love *new guy*.” And then the cycle would repeat. I don’t want to say “I love you” unless I will look back on the relationship thirty years later and say, “Yes, I did love him.” And it’s not just the phrase “I love you.” It’s other phrases of importance too, even back in the day it was “I like you.” When I told Tom after Christmas Break that I would always care about him, it was true. I still care about him. I always will. I feel like making sure I mean what I say is a duty I have both to myself and to others. If I say things I’m not sure I mean, when they turn out to be untrue, everyone is hurt.

He’s not like me. I trust that what he says reflects how he feels. I’m just not sure that what he feels represents the truth. I don’t trust that what he feels is anchored on something solid. I get the feeling sometimes that his emotions cloud his reason and his judgment. I’ve been hurt before by people saying things they didn’t mean. Maybe that’s why I’m more sensitive to being hurt now. But how can I trust that I’m his best friend like he says or that I’m the best thing that ever happened to him if he’s said things like this to other girls as well? I feel the need to be differentiated from the people of his past, but what if there’s nothing left that he can say or do for me that hasn’t already been done?

Maybe it’s too early to want to feel special. No, not maybe. It is too early to expect to feel special, to expect to feel like I’ve somehow already lifted myself above the others. I guess maybe the reason that I’m worrying about this right now is because… well, because I’m falling for him. I feel so at ease around him… far more so than I do with all but my closest friends. He makes me laugh and smile more than pretty much anyone ever has. And anything is fun when he’s around. I’m hitting that point. When it comes to boys and me, things tend to work as follows: a boy starts to like me, and seemingly likes me a lot. I’m a bit more stand-offish. But then, in turn, I start to like them. I start to like them a lot. I start to like them more than they like me. And then they lose interest. And I think I’ve hit the point where the stand-offishness goes to hell and I fall hard. And, of course, if the past repeats itself, this is the point where he will slowly lose interest and I will lose even the hope and illusion that maybe there was something different about me. I don’t want to screw this up.

So what makes me different from others to whom he’s said all that he’s said to me and more? I honestly don’t know. Nothing maybe. But I’ve got to risk it. And I don’t know if it’s because I’m a sick masochist or if it’s because I think this might potentially be a really good thing.

What can you do?

What do you do when someone your pretty sure you still care about is making decisions in his life that you think will end up badly for him?

Easy answer. Okay, now add the fact that he will assume you're giving him advice for the wrong reasons?

And what if you're not even sure yourself what your intentions would be in telling him what you think?

You stay silent and realize it's not your life. And I guess you pray for the best.

On a related note, something is bothering me, and I don't know what it is. It could be any one or combination of a few things.

An amazing quote...

There is a line in W.H. Auden's "September 1, 1939" which states, "We must love one another or die." That in itself is a hugely powerful quote. Just think about the importance that places on the both incredibly simple yet incomprehensible act of love... if we didn't love one another, that lack of connection with another human being would be enough to kill us.

However, Auden later changed the quote because he considered it dishonest. A single changed word turns a powerful quote into an unforgettable one. "We must love one another and die." Loving each other will not keep us from our ultimate fate. Love will not save us like so many people seem to believe. Love is not a magical emotion that extends our life indefinitely. Love does not make us immortal. However, it's something we must do. As certain as death is love. Death is the one thing that unites humans. Despite all our differences, we must die. But Auden adds another certainty, another connection. Not only must we die, but we must love. Love is as inevitable and as natural to the human condition as death.

Just think about it.

For no other reason...

...than the fact that I'm bored. I suppose I'll begin by sharing some random revelations I've had lately.

-I exist. I stood up a few days ago and this concept suddenly passed through my head. The next thought that ran through my head is that I am bad at existing and tend to waste a lot of said existence.

-Recently, I was feeling a little whore-ish for really kind of liking a guy because Tom and I didn't break up that long ago. Then I realized it's been over three months. That's a pretty long time ago. It's not like I'm going to rush out and start dating people, but I realized that I legitimately could if I wanted to.

-I'm really bad at homework. Like, really bad. I've been putting so much of it off. Finals week is going to annihilate me. Luckily I have a lot of leeway in most of my classes. Hopefully it's enough.

-The door next to us slams entirely too much. Enough said.

Wow, I had surprisingly little to say. That's interesting in itself.

For the seventh time...

I just finished reading Lord of the Rings for the seventh time, I think. Every time I read it through, I notice something different. This is the first time I've read it since "The Return of the King" movie came out, and I think that fact influenced what I really noticed during this reading.

My mind was just blown by how important a part "The Scouring of the Shire" is to the story and most of all, to the characters. I still understood why Peter Jackson left it out, so I won't rag on him... about that, anyway... I've got bigger bones to pick with him (like Faramir). My argument for "The Scouring of the Shire" has always been that it really portrays the pervasiveness of evil-- that nothing can escape its taint.

This time, though, I realized how important the final episode was to the character of each of the hobbits. Throughout the story, they all change and grow, and you see that happening, but the scouring basically serves as a before-and-after picture. You can see the early Frodo/Sam/Merry/Pippin in the hobbits of the Shire... their fear and uncertainty. But after the adventure, they have such a greater understanding of everything, from logistical things like raising armies to internal things like the importance of courage and standing up for what is right. Their growth is really made obvious by the final chapters of the story... that's what makes "The Scouring of the Shire" so darn great.

Trivial Pursuit

It puts everything into perspective... I think about the things that were bugging me two days ago and then think about Dan and his family and the guys in the car with him and what this whole campus is facing now, and I realize how trivial the other stuff is.

The weird thing is, even now life goes on. Kids are playing frisbee in the Loop. I celebrated my A on the paper. Even Collin who was in the car was in class today. The world doesn't stop... not that it should, or anything. It's just interesting to think that something this huge happens, and the river of life has to flow around it-- a rock interrupting the flow, changing the course of the river, but not stopping it at all.

What do you say? What do you do? I saw Justin (who was also in the wreck) today in passing, and I just said, "I'm really glad to see you're okay... I'm praying for you guys." And that's all I can do. There's a different kind of solidity to this problem than the trivial ones. What I do does affect my grades, my relationships, my silly little problems, but this is set in stone.

It's interesting that this incident has relieved my worry about everything. I'm sad and distressed, yes, but the worry I've had recently about tests and papers and track has dissipated I suppose because life has been brought into perspective again.

But this is all just a bunch of ramblings that should have been a comment but will instead become a post. I guess I'm just trying to work my way through what happened, which is never a bad thing to do.

It's not fair.

I hate the phrase "It's not fair." It's stupid. It doesn't solve anything. Of course life isn't fair, but somehow we only comment upon the unfairness when it works against us. I try my best to not use it.

But I can't do anything else in this case. One of the guys who got in the wreck died this morning. It was the guy I didn't know, but I'm still crying. And I just think of him and his youth and his family and how it's not fair. And I feel like I can't even comprehend what has just happened... it just doesn't make logical sense. And I feel so bad for my friends who were close to him... in the car with him... and I realize that it could have been them that died... and I would be in the position that they are in now...

And it's not fair. And life isn't fair. And life doesn't make sense. And sometimes I wonder if it ever will. But then I realize it can't.

The Frailty of Human Life

They are all okay (well, alive and going to stay that way, though there were some bad injuries), but some of my friends got into a bad car wreck this weekend. One of my pretty good friends, one guy that I know through track, one guy that I just met recently but really think is awesome, one guy that I know a little, and one guy that I've never met... it's scary to think how close it was.

I got an e-mail from a mutual acquaintance of ours telling us about their wreck... each of the guys' condition was listed there, and my stomach just sank when I read the words "wreck" and realized that it was people that I knew. I almost started crying even as I just scanned the e-mail looking for information on if they were okay. As I found each of their names, I just got more and more scared about the rest of them.

They were going to Montana to brand cattle at one of the guy's grandparents' farm. And yesterday I waved to them and said, "Bye guys! Have fun at the farm!" That could have been the last thing I ever said to them.

I just keep thanking God over and over again that they're all right. I'm pretty sure I'm going to freak out when I see Collin and just start spouting out how glad I am that he's alive. Also, I'll probably force him to give me a hug. I may request a hug from Ben and Justin too, when I run into them next. Geez, the nerve of those boys going around and scaring me like that... heh.

I don't want to...

-Write my Brit Lit paper
-Write my Tolkien paper
-Do my reading for Critical Strategy
-Work out today
-Work out ever again
-Do track anymore
-See anyone from track anymore (with the exception of about three people)
-Be in college
-Work hard
-Care about anything anymore

Motivation

During practice today, Toby asked us what motivates us. And I couldn't come up with one thing. The funny thing is, he asked us the same question last year. And I had an answer. And I remember the answer. And it seems like this year the answer just doesn't fit.

Last year my motivation to work my hardest all the times was the fact that I knew I should try my hardest at what I did for God and stuff. This year... well, I guess I intellectually know that, but I just don't feel it. I don't care about anything (people excluded, of course). The only reason I work at anything is out of habit. I just don't give a crap anymore.

Maybe it's just the time of year. I certainly hope so, because when I realized how little anything I was doing meant to me, I was rather distressed.

Note to Self:

I'm making this note now in case I need to look be reminded of this in the future. Better to act unneccessarily ahead of time than to screw up by not acting soon enough.

NOTE:

You've made some mistakes before, but they're worth it because you learned from them. Don't make the same mistake again or you risk nullifying the value of those previous mistakes.

Think. Not too hard, but remember that when your brain and emotions disagree, your brain is probably right.

Don't blind yourself from the similarities between the past and present.

You're a smart girl. Remember that.

Also, remember Sartre. Live in good faith. Take control of your decisions.

Have fun! Not everything is as big of a deal as you may make it.

Be satisfied where you are at the moment. Don't think too hard about the uncontrollable aspects of the future.

END OF NOTE

Self-reflection in the Light of Current Situations

I decided now was a good time to document things that I learned in my past relationship. I’m far enough away from it that I can look at it objectively, but it’s still close enough to remember well.

1. I’m terrified of being “that girl.”

I’m not high maintenance. I’m low key. But I was always scared to demand anything because I was afraid that I would be “that girl,” the high maintenance, clingy one. I’ve seen so many other relationships from the sideline that I’ve sort of invented an image of what I need to do to be a good girlfriend. Sometimes it’s bad like when I got a ride home from the airport with a stranger instead of telling him that he had to pick me up at the airport. But sometimes it’s good. It kept me from being “that girl” that stays in an unhealthy relationship just because she’s too scared to be on her own. I think I learned a good deal about telling which is which.

2. Why I lash out…

I have noticed a phenomenon in my reaction to events. I can just take things in stride without ever getting mad for a long time. Then, something totally tiny happens that is completely insignificant and I yell and get angry and then apologize for being a freak. I finally understand why this is. I think that I take things and take things and the reason I then freak out over something small is because it’s safe. I can get my anger out, I can get my feelings out without having to face the consequences of actually owning up to them. If I yell about something ridiculous, I can always just say, “I don’t know why I did that… I was just in a really bad mood for some reason.”

3. I don’t express myself

This is along the lines of the other two. I didn’t say anything about the problems we had until it was a make or break deal. I didn’t say anything about how he was treating me until I couldn’t live like that anymore. If I had said something sooner, before the issue had snowballed in my mind, then it would have been far easier to work things out.

4. I need to make decisions.

Partly from reading Tess and reading about her lack of decision making, I’ve realized that sometimes I just need to man up and make a choice. Sitting in indecision forever won’t get me anywhere. All I ever wanted to do was see if he still wanted to work things out. I always wanted to put off relationship decisions for as long as possible. And in the end, that just caused me a lot of undue stress.

5. I can have a break-up and not be bitter!

It was nice to discover this. I don’t hate him. I realized around Christmas Break that no matter what happened between us I would always care about him. And I still do. And I still believe I always will. I’m glad to be single, my quality of life went up a lot after we broke up, he hurt me a lot, but I’m not mad at him. Right now I’m at the point where I believe he has a good heart but is very immature and doesn’t know how to deal with life. I honestly hope he grows up and learns what he wants and ends up happy.

So yeah, a list of things that I learned because of this relationship/break-up. And my general opinion is that an experience is worth the pain it causes if you can take at least one lesson from it.

Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy?

I had the oddest experience earlier today. A little background info is required, though.

A couple of months ago, I had a dream that I was in class. In the midst of class, I remembered that I was supposed to be on vacation and that I was certain I had gone to sleep in my bed at home the night before. This dream still felt 100% real, but the only way I could explain the strange turn of events was that I was, in fact, dreaming. I turned to a girl in my class and told her this. She looked at me like I was crazy and I felt a little crazy myself considering I still felt like I was awake. Then I closed my eyes really tight and forced myself awake. Lo and behold, I woke up in my bed at home.

Tonight I was taking a test… a very long test that had me spaced out entirely and in a bit of a dream world. I circled the wrong answer (with my pencil… pencil kicks pen’s butt anytime), but when I went to erase it, it wouldn’t erase. I tried my eraser on other pencil marks and that worked just fine. I was about to just move on when I had the exact same realization that I had a couple of months ago. The only way to explain pencil marks that WON’T erase seemed to be that I was dreaming. So I sat there for a few moments with no idea if I was awake or asleep. I thought about asking someone, but in addition to not wanting to embarrass myself if I was awake, it wouldn’t have done any good if I was asleep. After performing a couple of reality checks (trying to wake up, seeing if I could rearrange letters on a page, etc.) I determined that I must be awake. And I was. But for probably half an hour after, I still had a weird, nagging feeling that perhaps I was asleep after all.

A Good Man is Hard to Find

Actually, I'm not lamenting about men. I've done that enough recently. I'm lamenting about the paper I have to write about Flannery O'Conner's short story "A Good Man is Hard to Find." And actually, this might fit more under the category of "procrastination" as opposed to "lamentation."

I was going to start this paper on the bus ride home yesterday. I had seven hours. I wrote "A Good Man is Hard to Find" at the top of a page. I did do some other homework, but nothing that was due on Monday like this paper is. Oops. I got back to the dorm at midnight, got to bed at 1:30, and set my alarm for 5:30 this morning so I could get up and do it before church. I ended up getting up at 7:30. Oops again. I have a busy day today which is why I was going to get up early. I go to Sunday School now so church lasts from 9:30 to 12:00. I have track from 3:00 to 5:00. I have to talk to Tom sometime this evening. And I have small group from 8:00 to 9:00. So yeah, I really should be working on this paper.

I'm done with two of the four pages, so I have a good start. If each of my paragraphs is one half a page long, I'll end up with three. In other words, I need to make sure that all of my paragraphs are slightly longer than one half a page. I'm doing pretty well with that aspect so far. In fact, I'm right on pace. But yeah, I really don't want to do any more of this silly paper. All I want to do today is take a nap... a very long nap. I almost fell asleep in church today. and I may not get much sleep tonight due to the whole "I'm doing a blog post instead of writing a paper" thing.

I guess maybe I should go and do the whole paper thing now.

A Text

"When you get back could we talk?"

It's interesting.

It's interesting how I can invest nine months of my life in him-- give up a whole day helping him with a paper he put off, go to all of his home swim meets, quiz him on anatomy and physiology, meet his family, be there to listen to him and talk to him-- and then suddenly we don't even make eye contact or say hello when we cross paths so close to each other that we nearly run into each other.

It's like I know him less now than when we started going out.

A poem for class

This may be too sentimental and sappy. I don't know. We're supposed to write a poem focused on an object.
_________________


On Borrowed Time


It’s not a particularly nice hat.

It needs to be washed.
There’s a man embroidered with faded red
thread on the front who looks like he’s
burning. You say you got it from church camp.

I don’t see the connection.

I borrowed it and never remembered
to give it back. Then I started
forgetting on purpose. You never
asked, and now I’m thankful

for our forgetfulness.

I’m hungry, but as I open the door
to leave my house, car keys
in hand, hat pulled down low
over my eyes, I stop, scared

that you will see me

wearing the hat. Scared
that you will demand it back.
I close the door again. I have
leftovers. You belong to

someone else now, but this small piece

of you, this insignificant portion
of your past that you forgot
I borrowed
is mine.

Maybe someday you’ll remember.

Not moving on yet, but moving forward

I talked to my mom last night... and I feel a lot better now.

First off, just knowing that I made it through a ridiculously awful day is uplifting. If I could make it through yesterday, I can make it through any one day that this situation is going to cause.

Second, my mom told me that God promised her that I would be better by Easter. Easter is on March 23 this year. Ironically, Lent just started. Some people give up chocolate for Lent... looks like I'm giving up happiness. Although I knew that I would start feeling better eventually, having a time frame in which that is going to happen takes a huge burden off of me. I'm no longer staring blankly into a void wondering how long I'll have to wander through the darkness before I reach the end. There's something that I can work towards, a visible goal.

I'm still sad. I'm sure I haven't cried for the last time. I still like him... a lot. And I still feel sad when I think that this will be just a blip in the radar of my life because that means that he himself will just be a blip in my life and I'll just be a blip in his, worthy of no more than a sentence or two story to my possible future kids when they ask about my first boyfriend.

But I know that I'll be better. And I know that as hard as things are right now, it's worth it. I know I made the rightd decision.

What the WTF?

I feel sick.

I was doing homework early this morning... got bored... checked my Facebook... decided to stalk him (hey, I stalk everyone else too, right?)...

He wrote "Happy Valentine's Day" on some girl's wall.

I'm pissed. And sad. And pissed that I'm sad.

Sleep... who needs it?

I just tried to take a nap. It didn't work. Every time I try to fall asleep, I start crying instead. Now I remember why I stayed up until two or three in the morning every night for the first two thirds of senior year.

I wonder.

How can I fully know that a certain decision is what is best for me and still feel miserable?

Why do I feel things so deeply? Will I ever even be able to function in the world when everything hurts so much?

I kind of thought it would get easier. Now I'm scared that it will be just as hard.

I just want to know. It's going to be a miserable two days.

I hate that this is affecting me so much. It makes me feel weak. It makes me feel out of control.

On Sunday in church we sang my favorite song. I'm not usually one for posting lyrics, but this hymn is just a beautiful promise. I'll type out the second verse because it's my favorite.

Many times Satan whispered,
"There is no need to try,
For there's no end to sorrow,
There's no hope by and by."
But I know thou art with me
And tomorrow I'll rise
Where the storm never darkens the sky.

Till the storm passes over,
Till the thunder sounds no more,
Till the clouds roll forever from the sky.
Hold me fast, let me stand
In the hollow of thy hand,
Keep me safe till the storm passes by.



It's nice to know that no matter how much things suck, they will get better and that until then God himself is protecting us.