For the seventh time...

I just finished reading Lord of the Rings for the seventh time, I think. Every time I read it through, I notice something different. This is the first time I've read it since "The Return of the King" movie came out, and I think that fact influenced what I really noticed during this reading.

My mind was just blown by how important a part "The Scouring of the Shire" is to the story and most of all, to the characters. I still understood why Peter Jackson left it out, so I won't rag on him... about that, anyway... I've got bigger bones to pick with him (like Faramir). My argument for "The Scouring of the Shire" has always been that it really portrays the pervasiveness of evil-- that nothing can escape its taint.

This time, though, I realized how important the final episode was to the character of each of the hobbits. Throughout the story, they all change and grow, and you see that happening, but the scouring basically serves as a before-and-after picture. You can see the early Frodo/Sam/Merry/Pippin in the hobbits of the Shire... their fear and uncertainty. But after the adventure, they have such a greater understanding of everything, from logistical things like raising armies to internal things like the importance of courage and standing up for what is right. Their growth is really made obvious by the final chapters of the story... that's what makes "The Scouring of the Shire" so darn great.

Trivial Pursuit

It puts everything into perspective... I think about the things that were bugging me two days ago and then think about Dan and his family and the guys in the car with him and what this whole campus is facing now, and I realize how trivial the other stuff is.

The weird thing is, even now life goes on. Kids are playing frisbee in the Loop. I celebrated my A on the paper. Even Collin who was in the car was in class today. The world doesn't stop... not that it should, or anything. It's just interesting to think that something this huge happens, and the river of life has to flow around it-- a rock interrupting the flow, changing the course of the river, but not stopping it at all.

What do you say? What do you do? I saw Justin (who was also in the wreck) today in passing, and I just said, "I'm really glad to see you're okay... I'm praying for you guys." And that's all I can do. There's a different kind of solidity to this problem than the trivial ones. What I do does affect my grades, my relationships, my silly little problems, but this is set in stone.

It's interesting that this incident has relieved my worry about everything. I'm sad and distressed, yes, but the worry I've had recently about tests and papers and track has dissipated I suppose because life has been brought into perspective again.

But this is all just a bunch of ramblings that should have been a comment but will instead become a post. I guess I'm just trying to work my way through what happened, which is never a bad thing to do.

It's not fair.

I hate the phrase "It's not fair." It's stupid. It doesn't solve anything. Of course life isn't fair, but somehow we only comment upon the unfairness when it works against us. I try my best to not use it.

But I can't do anything else in this case. One of the guys who got in the wreck died this morning. It was the guy I didn't know, but I'm still crying. And I just think of him and his youth and his family and how it's not fair. And I feel like I can't even comprehend what has just happened... it just doesn't make logical sense. And I feel so bad for my friends who were close to him... in the car with him... and I realize that it could have been them that died... and I would be in the position that they are in now...

And it's not fair. And life isn't fair. And life doesn't make sense. And sometimes I wonder if it ever will. But then I realize it can't.

The Frailty of Human Life

They are all okay (well, alive and going to stay that way, though there were some bad injuries), but some of my friends got into a bad car wreck this weekend. One of my pretty good friends, one guy that I know through track, one guy that I just met recently but really think is awesome, one guy that I know a little, and one guy that I've never met... it's scary to think how close it was.

I got an e-mail from a mutual acquaintance of ours telling us about their wreck... each of the guys' condition was listed there, and my stomach just sank when I read the words "wreck" and realized that it was people that I knew. I almost started crying even as I just scanned the e-mail looking for information on if they were okay. As I found each of their names, I just got more and more scared about the rest of them.

They were going to Montana to brand cattle at one of the guy's grandparents' farm. And yesterday I waved to them and said, "Bye guys! Have fun at the farm!" That could have been the last thing I ever said to them.

I just keep thanking God over and over again that they're all right. I'm pretty sure I'm going to freak out when I see Collin and just start spouting out how glad I am that he's alive. Also, I'll probably force him to give me a hug. I may request a hug from Ben and Justin too, when I run into them next. Geez, the nerve of those boys going around and scaring me like that... heh.

I don't want to...

-Write my Brit Lit paper
-Write my Tolkien paper
-Do my reading for Critical Strategy
-Work out today
-Work out ever again
-Do track anymore
-See anyone from track anymore (with the exception of about three people)
-Be in college
-Work hard
-Care about anything anymore

Motivation

During practice today, Toby asked us what motivates us. And I couldn't come up with one thing. The funny thing is, he asked us the same question last year. And I had an answer. And I remember the answer. And it seems like this year the answer just doesn't fit.

Last year my motivation to work my hardest all the times was the fact that I knew I should try my hardest at what I did for God and stuff. This year... well, I guess I intellectually know that, but I just don't feel it. I don't care about anything (people excluded, of course). The only reason I work at anything is out of habit. I just don't give a crap anymore.

Maybe it's just the time of year. I certainly hope so, because when I realized how little anything I was doing meant to me, I was rather distressed.