Ramblings of my relatively unstable mind.

I find it interesting that with all the things that have been flying through my head lately that I have nothing to say. It's almost like I can't quite verbalize what I'm thinking. Or maybe I just don't want to. Maybe I'm starting to think things that I'm not ready to consider, let alone accept, right now.

In fact, I'm wondering/worrying about a lot of things. How does one make decisions? I like Kierkegaard's concept where you choose to believe something and then make a leap of faith in acting on that belief, but I don't know how to choose what to believe. There are so many decisions in my life that I'm facing right now, and I just don't know what to do. I'm afraid if I don't start deciding to DO things, I'll simply keep rejecting things because "I'm just not sure" and I'll end up never accomplishing anything and all alone.

School is stressing me out. Yesterday in Core, the prof talked about a phenomenon that occurs when women go to college. They lose confidence in their scholastic ability. And it's true. That's what happened to me. I constantly feel like a terrible student, even if I'm getting all As. Why is that? Why am I constantly plagued by feelings of inadequacy? I know that I'm not inadequate. For goodness' sake, I run track in college, I have a 3.9+ GPA, I have great friends... why the heck to I feel this way?

Another thing that's been bugging me, even though I know it shouldn't... it almost feels like, even though I am really close to my friends, that they don't feel comfortable confiding in me. They all seem closer to each other. It makes sense because they all live around here, but sometimes I'll just feel out of the loop. Kate talks to Jeska, Jeska talks to Kate, Brian talks to them both, Waldo talks to Kate, but I'm the one no one confides in. And the thing is, I think it's my fault. According to Interpersonal Communications, if you self-disclose, then others are likely to self-disclose in return. And I don't do that. I don't self-disclose except to a very short list of people. In fact, right now, I can only think of three that I would feel comfortable really pouring out my troubles to. None of them are here.

I think I'm feeling creatively unfulfilled. I want to do stuff that I really care about. I want to come up with a theory that vampirism is caused by prions. I want to make a Princess Zelda costume, I want to find out what happens at the end of a fantasy novel I started a couple years ago, I want to write Keeper of Magic and Memories. I don't want to write about the way different writers portray lust. I don't want to write a scene from my childhood. I don't want to learn about business. I want to create something with meaning for myself. Maybe I like stock horror books. Maybe I like modern fantasy. Maybe I can't think of anything more fun than creating a story line for the next Zelda game or reading a short story by Stephen King. Maybe that's how I become creative instead of through other means.

Wow, looks like I had quite a bit to say after all. And I'm feeling much better for writing it. I suppose the only thing I need to remember is that, whether I pass or fail, whether I'm happy or unhappy, tomorrow will come, the sun will rise, and life will go on.

I am the worst person.

During Core 250, we talked about Jean-Paul Sartre. We had to write ourselves a letter from him stating his opinion on our career choice. Basically, Sartre focuses on the concept of human choice and how often humans give away that choice by letting society define them. Instead of making authentic decisions, he says, humans will simply make decisions that society views as safe, good, acceptable, etc. as a way to keep from having to take responsibility of our actions.

Basically, Sartre told me that I was being unauthentic and letting society define me by giving up on my former career choice of being a writer. (What can I say? I realized I was in no way good enough AT ALL...) He told me that I am choosing contentment over creativity and am not reaching outside of myself to make myself as good as I can be.

And the thing is, he's right. He's so right that it's almost painful to think about. I'm scared, I don't want to be the only one responsible for my success/failure so I'm lying to myself and giving away my God-given freedom (of course, he was an atheist, so he wouldn't agree with that) to society. And the really sad thing... the thing I most wish was untrue but cannot deny... is that I honestly don't care. I would rather give up my freedom than face the nausea of acknowledging its existence.

What's worse... a person who does not see the truth or a person who sees the truth and actively makes the decision to forget it again? I'm pretty sure that answer is obvious.

Eric, you bore me!

So, apparently the life of a recovering alcoholic is lame and boring. What should happen to Eric now?

The story so far... Eric was an alcoholic, his wife left him. He met an ex-priest, ex-convict who provides some interesting anecdotes and insight. He falls off the wagon, drives drunk, gets caught, and now has to do community service. He meets a girl there, but nothing is going to happen between them because after two minutes I knew they just didn't jive. They can be friends, though. She has a past, but I don't know what yet. His ex-wife is pregnant, and his former mother-in-law had a stroke.

The end.

Tell me what to do next!

The Home Stretch

I'm at that point where I'm just trying to make it through to Thanksgiving. One more full week. I don't even want to think about after Thanksgiving.

I'm feeling a lot better than I did this weekend. I finally got a good, deep night's sleep. I finally don't feel sick today. I'm finally feeling like I might be able to make it to Thanksgiving. Still, though, I don't know if I can face the stretch to Christmas Break.

Northern Ireland!!!

So, I talked to the lady in charge of students studying abroad and such today and told her that I would be interested in studying abroad first semester next year.

I would have to pay my regular tuition, the plane flight, $315 application fee, and $50 a month for insurance, which isn't a bad deal... except for the Whitworth tuition part, but I've become resigned to that. One of the universities I could study at is in Northern Ireland where my grandpa is from. Apparently I still even have relatives there! (Of course, they don't know me, but they actually know my mom!) It would be really cool, but...

Well, there's a few things. First, it's so far away. I went to Whitworth for a reason. It's still sort of close to home. If anything goes terribly wrong (stress fracture, say) my mom or dad can come up and help me. Second, track. I could still do track, but I feel like I'd be missing out on a lot of good work in the fall semester if I was gone. Third, for some ridiculous reason, their first semester doesn't end at Christmas. Finals are after Christmas break, and the college closes over Christmas. I wouldn't be able to have Christmas with my family AND I really wouldn't have a place to stay during Christmas, would I? And fourth, due to that, I would have to give up not only one semester away but a Jan Term as well... can my four-year plan manage that? Fifth... well, I'm a little strange, and this may sound paranoid, but what if everyone there hated me and I had a miserable semester alone, doing homework and not much else?

It sounds really cool... the classes I could take sound awesome, and when would I get the chance to stay in Ireland again, in the land of my ancestors? I've always said studying abroad sounds like fun, but it's a little more difficult when it comes to making the decision.

Determinism vs. Existentialism

So this summer I struggled with the concept of whether or not people could really change, and it's been brought up again because of Eric (in my novel) and the fact that we are talking about determinisn and existentialism in Core 250, so I feel the need to revisit the subject.

It seems to me that people generally don't change. Someone behaves in a certain way, and they stay that way. People don't just get "nice" all of a sudden. A leopard can't change his stripes, a "former alcoholic" is just an alcoholic waiting for an excuse to go back. And so my intial thought it that people can't change. A sad fact of human nature is that you can't go back and change your life. It doesn't work that way. It all felt rather cynical to me, and I liked it that way.

But then, there is always the exception. There is always the person with the troubled past, with the bad mistakes, who uses those mistakes to learn and grow and become a better person, not devoid of the past, not forgetting it, but constantly aware of it and using it as a reminder of what used to be and of what should not be returned to. And I realized that people can change. Isn't that the whole point of Christianity? With God's help we can live a new life, free from the sin we were once entrapped in?

But then again, what about my original observation? That people who did an undesireable activity always turned back to it? Even after they promised to change, it always drew them back, and they fell under it again? How could that be accounted for if people are free to change? And then it hit me.

People CAN change. They can leave behind the past, use it to learn, become a better person, do good instead of evil. They can. But they don't. Every day you're alive, every day I'm alive is an opportunity to change for the better. It's all there to reach up and grasp. People CAN change, but they DON'T. Even though it's so simple (notice I didn't say 'easy') they choose instead day after to day to remain the same. And I think (though some have disagreed) that this idea is far more depressing than the first. It's not that we CAN'T change that makes me wonder about the decency of humans, it's actually that we CAN.

A poem I wrote awhile ago...

This is a poem I wrote during the poetry section of Creative Writing when I was basically churning out a poem a day... I like the sound of it, despite the fact that I'm not 100% sure what it means...



Try to Remember (please don’t forget)


Feet hardened and calloused, walking
(somewhere)
stick worn smooth where the hand has grasped it while

traveling over rocky terrain.
(was it rocky? or muddy?)
An endless cycle of backdrops scrolls

past as traveling feet grow more and more heavy.
(oh for the time before weariness!)
Deep lines etched into the brow from years

of constantly narrowed eyes,
(thinking, trying to remember)
looking into the sun

and searching for something
(forgotten now what it was)
that will be recognized when found.

A journey, no end in sight,
(when was the beginning?)
following the one command still remembered.

“Go west in morning,
East in evening to keep your
Shadow behind you.”

Change in pace...

So, those of you that know me (which is anyone who would read this...) know that during November I always participate in National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo) where you write a novel in a month.

This month, I was going to write about a group who starts a revolution just for the heck of it. It was going to be an interesting study on society, change, apathy, and groupthink. Instead, it just turned quite quickly into crap. And five days in, I already hated it more than anything else. It was worse than my novel in a day. So I decided to start over.

One problem. Zero ideas. I knew I needed to start over, but I had no idea what to do. So I was going to the bathroom when suddenly I had a character and a starting scene in my mind. He even came with a name. Eric was drunk and being thrown out of a bar because they wouldn't serve drunks.

So I took it and ran. I'm only 1775 words into this new story, but so far, Eric is an alcoholic who can't find a good job and is trying to support his wife. He goes home, they get into an argument, he shoves her, and she tells him that she's pregnant and leaving. Poor Eric!

But yeah, I'm liking this story a lot better. Eric is a lot more in depth than any of the characters from my other novel. Anna, Peter, Edward, and Carleigh, you guys can just rot!

My first societal rant...

What is it with society today? It thinks of one of the worst things it does as a service.

Kids, teenagers, and even adults are bombarded with the idea that you can do anything if you try hard enough. A boy who loves basketball says he wants to be in the NBA when he grows up, and his teacher says, “Well, just keep on practicing, and maybe you will be someday.” And it’s a lie. The teacher is outright lying to a little boy who doesn’t know better than to believe him. The kid is short, scrawny, not all that athletic, and he is being told he can be the best of the best. Just wait till he hits freshman year of high school and gets cut from the team. What will that do to him? It will crush him.

But at least he was forced to face reality before some people. What about the kid who dreams of being a doctor only to go to college for it and realize he’s not smart enough? What about the kid who dreams of being a writer only to realize that in this case, it’s not about trying harder, it’s about giving up because he really doesn't have the talent?

Adults think they’re helping their kids to achieve greatness when they urge them to chase their dreams. But do you know what they’re doing? They’re contributing to the millions of depressed adults and teenagers who have realized that they aren’t all they ever dreamed of, the people who have finally been forced by circumstance to accept the true nature of reality. They’re forcing young people to come up with hopes and dreams for the sole purpose of being disappointed.

You can’t be whatever you want to be. I can't be whatever I want to be. No one can be what they want to be. The American Dream is a lie.

So, what's up with the title?

I know it's a bit random, but I saw a blood moon one night, and my little sister and I decided that I needed to write a story or poem called "Under the Blood Moon." Of course, I suck at that kind of thing, so I decided to name my blog that instead. So yeah, that's where the title came from. It's just so catchy I had to use it somewhere.