Welcoming in the New Year!

Well, it's a new year, and before I look into the future (my views of which will inevitably be wrong), I'm going to look into the past year a little bit.

If you had told me my future last year this time, I never would have believed you that...

1. A year later I would have a boyfriend of eight months. In fact, I'm still not sure I believe this myself.

2. I would get a stress fracture to interrupt that track season and mono to interrupt this one (well... actually... knowing my luck I might have taken your word on this topic).

3. I would spend the next summer dealing with an algae-infested pool with dead rats in it.

4. Laura would start hurdling and completely own my times after a few weeks.

5. Within the year, I would become surrounded by my friends' tangled web of drama.

6. Jordan and I would stop hating each other (or rather, that our "friend/enemy" relationship would start focusing more on the friend aspect).

7. I would actually have the guts to share my creative writing with an entire class of peers.

8. I would actually enjoy Core 250.

So how have I changed over the year? It's a little hard to just pinpoint it... I think I've learned a lot about dealing with stressful situations in a manner that helps solve them. I've learned that sometimes just making it through isn't enough. I have to consciously make an effort to improve things; I can't just hide from my problems.

I learned I'm a lot more like my older sister than I thought. We're not polar opposites.

I've learned I have a fear of rejection.

I've continued to confirm what I've suspected and feared for awhile-- I'm growing calloused to the pain of others because I don't want to feel it. But also, I know that I still possess empathy because I've felt pain for others even when I don't want to.

I've learned I'm really quite easy-going when it comes to getting along with other people.

I've learned I'm obsessive about schoolwork.

I realized that I've lost my passion for life.

I've learned that it's harder for me to follow God in the good times than in the bad times when I really have to lean on him for my very survival.

So, New Year's Resolutions? Well, knowing full well I can't keep any of them, I'll come up with a few.

1. Write more. Plan out a novel, or write one, or start with short stories.
2. Find a passion. Whether it be rediscovering one or finding something different, get excited about something.
3. Deal with my insecurity. If I'm not 100% confident a relationship is right, why should I get hurt when the other party isn't sure either?
4. Chillax. I gave myself mono this semester, and I don't want to get in this situation again.
5. Be more serious about my devotions and relationship with God.

In general, then, I guess I want to stop being lame. It won't happen, but with any luck, I will get at least slightly less lame. And life's a journey... if I was rid of all my problems, it'd be over and there'd be nothing left for which I could strive.

For serious, yo.

I need to stop theorizing. Geez, I take one philosophy class and suddenly place it upon myself to figure out love, of all things. How presumptuous and arrogant!

One last time...

Okay, this is the last time I'll ponder about love because I think I've got it figured out.

It's true! I actually think I've decided what I believe about love and how a current certain someone fits into that description.

I've decided that there are three parts to true (romantic) love.

Attraction: This includes things like personality as well as physical appearance. This is why you think their random quirks and silly personality traits are cute. This is why I like that he walks like a duck, this is why I hug him so much, this is why I like it that he says his m's like n's. And yeah, this is what tends to fade as a relationship ages, but (and maybe this is idealistic) I don't think you should ever completely stop getting that kind of joy from a significant other. I think there should always be things about them that make you smile and say, "Awwww...."

Caring: This is one of the parts that takes a while to develop, and can basically be described in terms of Christian love, Corinthians 13. You're willing to give things up to help them. You truly desire them to be happy and you feel the pain that they're going through. Enough has been said about this by multitudes of people.

Commitment: Honestly, I think that this is the part of "romantic love" that I would add on that maybe other people wouldn't. Some would, of course, but I think a lot of people just use the first two which is why the word "love" is thrown around so much these days (and, of course, some people just base it on the first, which is crazy). I guess the question I would ask myself here is, "Can I see myself with this person for my whole life?" I guess this requires some practical application, and for me this is where my emotions and reason come into conflict. There are still some things about him that make me doubt if we are a good match long term. He's pretty darn addicted to video games. He doesn't take correction well at all. I'll never be able to have philospohical or literary conversations with him. Sometimes when he talks to his family, he can be very harsh; I don't want someone talking like that to me years down the road. He skips church pretty often even though he knows how important it is to me. Will he be able to graduate from college and get a job? This is where I run into problems. I like him, I care about him. The uncertainty about commitment is what lets me know that I don't love him and gives me doubts as to whether I will ever be able to.

It's everywhere!

So, um... Brit Lit before 1800 is stalking me. Today I went to a church I hadn't been to before. The pastor speaking was named Faust. Not only that, but he talked about Mystery Plays at the beginning of the service. I kept turning to my friend and saying, "I know about this! They had plays from all the major Bible stories! They would perform them all year long! They had a special order!" I got weird looks. Anyway, the whole sermon was then about the fall of man, and the whole time I was thinking, "CONVULTED SYNTAX!!! The fall of man equals the fall of reason! Paradise Lost!" It was sad. I went to church and studied for Brit Lit.

What is love, love...

Baby, don't hurt me... don't hurt me no more...

I think I'll discuss a topic about which I have no authority because I can. Due to a couple of events lately (that were entirely my fault with consequences that I fully deserve to deal with), I've been wondering about love.

If you are in love, can you ever truly stop loving that person? As much as things may change, as much as the relationship might go south, as much as the other person could do to hurt you, do you always have some love for the person, even if it's just for the person they used to be or even just the person you used to think they were?

I'm not entirely sure this makes sense. But what if you love someone, and they hurt you so badly you can't deal with it any longer? And then you have to stop loving them, so it turns into resentment. (What if emotions never go away? What if they only change form? Never mind...). Is there a part of you that still loves them? Is the resentment just love expressed differently to dull the pain?

Isn't it interesting to think that if your relationship with someone ended after treating them to the best of your ability and truly caring about them, you would be only a blip on the radar of life, easily forgotten and ignored, where someone else from their past who treated them unfairly, unkindly, and showed no concern for them at all will still influence their life drastically because that someone "loved" them? Maybe they still do, but it just hurts too much to admit it. It all really depends on how one would answer the above questions.

"Because I still loved you..."

Fortunate mistakes

So I wrote a poem on the topic of love in business class today.

(Tangent: I feel rather hypocritical writing about anything related to romantic love, because I've never been in love... I feel like if I don't understand something or at least know what it is like, I have no authority writing about it. In fact, I've actually written a poem about not understanding love, in a way. But this new poem, I suppose, was my interpretation of the events that happened to another person which is ever worse, I'd say, because I'm claiming to understand their experience and love, both things I know that I don't fully comprehend... ack. I am far too tangental...)

Anyway, I got done with said poem and I thought, "I'll count the lines, and maybe I can adjust line breaks if it works." Well, I counted the lines and there was no need. Fourteen lines without even trying... that's a sonnet, baby! BOOYAH!

Holy crap.

I write too much.

Oh, the past...

So I've been thinking about the past lately. Not specific events, necessarily, but overarching themes and how my reactions to previous situations have determined my present. I'm not sure where I'm going with this, but I feel like I need to delve into it a little, so bear with me.

I think I've decided that, as much as I agree with existentialism, you can't escape your past. As much as you decide not to let it affect you, it still will. Just by choosing to "not let it determine you" you are using your past as a litmus test for your actions. And there's a good reason that you can't escape your past. As soon as something happens, as soon as you make a decision, it becomes a part of you. You will now forever have to take that into account in future decisions.

I'm not sure if I like it. I like to look back on hard times and unfair situations and think, "I'm over it. It's finished, I've grown stronger, the end." Well, I'm right on two accounts. It is finished, and I have grown stronger, but I can't ever be over it, and it's never the end. Whatever happens, my past will always be there. It won't end. I can look at my life at this very moment and see how past events are shaping me right now.

Why do I dislike this so much? It's actually a pleasing idea... that bad experiences can shape us positively. But it's not, and I think there are two reasons. One... I don't want to remember them. I value the lessons that I've learned, but I want to retain the lessons while forgetting the pain involved in learning them. But I know that's impossible. If I forget the pain, it's only a matter of time before I forget the lesson as well. Two... sometimes I think I still let the past affect me negatively. Sometimes I think that, though I honestly don't think about it that much, that I let it define me and control me, not influence and guide me. I feel like it's unescapable.

This all brings me to one final topic (almost done, really... got homework to do). Sometimes, well, maybe a little more than that, I think about what would have happened if things in my life had gone differently. I wonder where I would be now. What if I had decided to do winter track instead of basketball my senior year? What if I had said no when a certain boy asked me to a banquet? What if I had gone to George Fox? What if something had happened between me and a different certain boy I liked? What if I had decided that it was stupid to start something a month before summer? And then to the future. What if I decide to go to Ireland? What if I stopped being a heptathlete? What if I were to screw the Brit Lit final and just wing it? Each of these decisions will be like the ones in the past and will affect me for the rest of my life, and that's scary.

I don't want to deal with it. I see why people live for only the present. The past is depressing and the future is terrifying.