Well, it's a new year, and before I look into the future (my views of which will inevitably be wrong), I'm going to look into the past year a little bit.
If you had told me my future last year this time, I never would have believed you that...
1. A year later I would have a boyfriend of eight months. In fact, I'm still not sure I believe this myself.
2. I would get a stress fracture to interrupt that track season and mono to interrupt this one (well... actually... knowing my luck I might have taken your word on this topic).
3. I would spend the next summer dealing with an algae-infested pool with dead rats in it.
4. Laura would start hurdling and completely own my times after a few weeks.
5. Within the year, I would become surrounded by my friends' tangled web of drama.
6. Jordan and I would stop hating each other (or rather, that our "friend/enemy" relationship would start focusing more on the friend aspect).
7. I would actually have the guts to share my creative writing with an entire class of peers.
8. I would actually enjoy Core 250.
So how have I changed over the year? It's a little hard to just pinpoint it... I think I've learned a lot about dealing with stressful situations in a manner that helps solve them. I've learned that sometimes just making it through isn't enough. I have to consciously make an effort to improve things; I can't just hide from my problems.
I learned I'm a lot more like my older sister than I thought. We're not polar opposites.
I've learned I have a fear of rejection.
I've continued to confirm what I've suspected and feared for awhile-- I'm growing calloused to the pain of others because I don't want to feel it. But also, I know that I still possess empathy because I've felt pain for others even when I don't want to.
I've learned I'm really quite easy-going when it comes to getting along with other people.
I've learned I'm obsessive about schoolwork.
I realized that I've lost my passion for life.
I've learned that it's harder for me to follow God in the good times than in the bad times when I really have to lean on him for my very survival.
So, New Year's Resolutions? Well, knowing full well I can't keep any of them, I'll come up with a few.
1. Write more. Plan out a novel, or write one, or start with short stories.
2. Find a passion. Whether it be rediscovering one or finding something different, get excited about something.
3. Deal with my insecurity. If I'm not 100% confident a relationship is right, why should I get hurt when the other party isn't sure either?
4. Chillax. I gave myself mono this semester, and I don't want to get in this situation again.
5. Be more serious about my devotions and relationship with God.
In general, then, I guess I want to stop being lame. It won't happen, but with any luck, I will get at least slightly less lame. And life's a journey... if I was rid of all my problems, it'd be over and there'd be nothing left for which I could strive.
Monday, December 31, 2007
Friday, December 28, 2007
For serious, yo.
I need to stop theorizing. Geez, I take one philosophy class and suddenly place it upon myself to figure out love, of all things. How presumptuous and arrogant!
Thursday, December 27, 2007
One last time...
Okay, this is the last time I'll ponder about love because I think I've got it figured out.
It's true! I actually think I've decided what I believe about love and how a current certain someone fits into that description.
I've decided that there are three parts to true (romantic) love.
Attraction: This includes things like personality as well as physical appearance. This is why you think their random quirks and silly personality traits are cute. This is why I like that he walks like a duck, this is why I hug him so much, this is why I like it that he says his m's like n's. And yeah, this is what tends to fade as a relationship ages, but (and maybe this is idealistic) I don't think you should ever completely stop getting that kind of joy from a significant other. I think there should always be things about them that make you smile and say, "Awwww...."
Caring: This is one of the parts that takes a while to develop, and can basically be described in terms of Christian love, Corinthians 13. You're willing to give things up to help them. You truly desire them to be happy and you feel the pain that they're going through. Enough has been said about this by multitudes of people.
Commitment: Honestly, I think that this is the part of "romantic love" that I would add on that maybe other people wouldn't. Some would, of course, but I think a lot of people just use the first two which is why the word "love" is thrown around so much these days (and, of course, some people just base it on the first, which is crazy). I guess the question I would ask myself here is, "Can I see myself with this person for my whole life?" I guess this requires some practical application, and for me this is where my emotions and reason come into conflict. There are still some things about him that make me doubt if we are a good match long term. He's pretty darn addicted to video games. He doesn't take correction well at all. I'll never be able to have philospohical or literary conversations with him. Sometimes when he talks to his family, he can be very harsh; I don't want someone talking like that to me years down the road. He skips church pretty often even though he knows how important it is to me. Will he be able to graduate from college and get a job? This is where I run into problems. I like him, I care about him. The uncertainty about commitment is what lets me know that I don't love him and gives me doubts as to whether I will ever be able to.
It's true! I actually think I've decided what I believe about love and how a current certain someone fits into that description.
I've decided that there are three parts to true (romantic) love.
Attraction: This includes things like personality as well as physical appearance. This is why you think their random quirks and silly personality traits are cute. This is why I like that he walks like a duck, this is why I hug him so much, this is why I like it that he says his m's like n's. And yeah, this is what tends to fade as a relationship ages, but (and maybe this is idealistic) I don't think you should ever completely stop getting that kind of joy from a significant other. I think there should always be things about them that make you smile and say, "Awwww...."
Caring: This is one of the parts that takes a while to develop, and can basically be described in terms of Christian love, Corinthians 13. You're willing to give things up to help them. You truly desire them to be happy and you feel the pain that they're going through. Enough has been said about this by multitudes of people.
Commitment: Honestly, I think that this is the part of "romantic love" that I would add on that maybe other people wouldn't. Some would, of course, but I think a lot of people just use the first two which is why the word "love" is thrown around so much these days (and, of course, some people just base it on the first, which is crazy). I guess the question I would ask myself here is, "Can I see myself with this person for my whole life?" I guess this requires some practical application, and for me this is where my emotions and reason come into conflict. There are still some things about him that make me doubt if we are a good match long term. He's pretty darn addicted to video games. He doesn't take correction well at all. I'll never be able to have philospohical or literary conversations with him. Sometimes when he talks to his family, he can be very harsh; I don't want someone talking like that to me years down the road. He skips church pretty often even though he knows how important it is to me. Will he be able to graduate from college and get a job? This is where I run into problems. I like him, I care about him. The uncertainty about commitment is what lets me know that I don't love him and gives me doubts as to whether I will ever be able to.
Sunday, December 9, 2007
It's everywhere!
So, um... Brit Lit before 1800 is stalking me. Today I went to a church I hadn't been to before. The pastor speaking was named Faust. Not only that, but he talked about Mystery Plays at the beginning of the service. I kept turning to my friend and saying, "I know about this! They had plays from all the major Bible stories! They would perform them all year long! They had a special order!" I got weird looks. Anyway, the whole sermon was then about the fall of man, and the whole time I was thinking, "CONVULTED SYNTAX!!! The fall of man equals the fall of reason! Paradise Lost!" It was sad. I went to church and studied for Brit Lit.
Saturday, December 8, 2007
What is love, love...
Baby, don't hurt me... don't hurt me no more...
I think I'll discuss a topic about which I have no authority because I can. Due to a couple of events lately (that were entirely my fault with consequences that I fully deserve to deal with), I've been wondering about love.
If you are in love, can you ever truly stop loving that person? As much as things may change, as much as the relationship might go south, as much as the other person could do to hurt you, do you always have some love for the person, even if it's just for the person they used to be or even just the person you used to think they were?
I'm not entirely sure this makes sense. But what if you love someone, and they hurt you so badly you can't deal with it any longer? And then you have to stop loving them, so it turns into resentment. (What if emotions never go away? What if they only change form? Never mind...). Is there a part of you that still loves them? Is the resentment just love expressed differently to dull the pain?
Isn't it interesting to think that if your relationship with someone ended after treating them to the best of your ability and truly caring about them, you would be only a blip on the radar of life, easily forgotten and ignored, where someone else from their past who treated them unfairly, unkindly, and showed no concern for them at all will still influence their life drastically because that someone "loved" them? Maybe they still do, but it just hurts too much to admit it. It all really depends on how one would answer the above questions.
"Because I still loved you..."
I think I'll discuss a topic about which I have no authority because I can. Due to a couple of events lately (that were entirely my fault with consequences that I fully deserve to deal with), I've been wondering about love.
If you are in love, can you ever truly stop loving that person? As much as things may change, as much as the relationship might go south, as much as the other person could do to hurt you, do you always have some love for the person, even if it's just for the person they used to be or even just the person you used to think they were?
I'm not entirely sure this makes sense. But what if you love someone, and they hurt you so badly you can't deal with it any longer? And then you have to stop loving them, so it turns into resentment. (What if emotions never go away? What if they only change form? Never mind...). Is there a part of you that still loves them? Is the resentment just love expressed differently to dull the pain?
Isn't it interesting to think that if your relationship with someone ended after treating them to the best of your ability and truly caring about them, you would be only a blip on the radar of life, easily forgotten and ignored, where someone else from their past who treated them unfairly, unkindly, and showed no concern for them at all will still influence their life drastically because that someone "loved" them? Maybe they still do, but it just hurts too much to admit it. It all really depends on how one would answer the above questions.
"Because I still loved you..."
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
Fortunate mistakes
So I wrote a poem on the topic of love in business class today.
(Tangent: I feel rather hypocritical writing about anything related to romantic love, because I've never been in love... I feel like if I don't understand something or at least know what it is like, I have no authority writing about it. In fact, I've actually written a poem about not understanding love, in a way. But this new poem, I suppose, was my interpretation of the events that happened to another person which is ever worse, I'd say, because I'm claiming to understand their experience and love, both things I know that I don't fully comprehend... ack. I am far too tangental...)
Anyway, I got done with said poem and I thought, "I'll count the lines, and maybe I can adjust line breaks if it works." Well, I counted the lines and there was no need. Fourteen lines without even trying... that's a sonnet, baby! BOOYAH!
(Tangent: I feel rather hypocritical writing about anything related to romantic love, because I've never been in love... I feel like if I don't understand something or at least know what it is like, I have no authority writing about it. In fact, I've actually written a poem about not understanding love, in a way. But this new poem, I suppose, was my interpretation of the events that happened to another person which is ever worse, I'd say, because I'm claiming to understand their experience and love, both things I know that I don't fully comprehend... ack. I am far too tangental...)
Anyway, I got done with said poem and I thought, "I'll count the lines, and maybe I can adjust line breaks if it works." Well, I counted the lines and there was no need. Fourteen lines without even trying... that's a sonnet, baby! BOOYAH!
Monday, December 3, 2007
Sunday, December 2, 2007
Oh, the past...
So I've been thinking about the past lately. Not specific events, necessarily, but overarching themes and how my reactions to previous situations have determined my present. I'm not sure where I'm going with this, but I feel like I need to delve into it a little, so bear with me.
I think I've decided that, as much as I agree with existentialism, you can't escape your past. As much as you decide not to let it affect you, it still will. Just by choosing to "not let it determine you" you are using your past as a litmus test for your actions. And there's a good reason that you can't escape your past. As soon as something happens, as soon as you make a decision, it becomes a part of you. You will now forever have to take that into account in future decisions.
I'm not sure if I like it. I like to look back on hard times and unfair situations and think, "I'm over it. It's finished, I've grown stronger, the end." Well, I'm right on two accounts. It is finished, and I have grown stronger, but I can't ever be over it, and it's never the end. Whatever happens, my past will always be there. It won't end. I can look at my life at this very moment and see how past events are shaping me right now.
Why do I dislike this so much? It's actually a pleasing idea... that bad experiences can shape us positively. But it's not, and I think there are two reasons. One... I don't want to remember them. I value the lessons that I've learned, but I want to retain the lessons while forgetting the pain involved in learning them. But I know that's impossible. If I forget the pain, it's only a matter of time before I forget the lesson as well. Two... sometimes I think I still let the past affect me negatively. Sometimes I think that, though I honestly don't think about it that much, that I let it define me and control me, not influence and guide me. I feel like it's unescapable.
This all brings me to one final topic (almost done, really... got homework to do). Sometimes, well, maybe a little more than that, I think about what would have happened if things in my life had gone differently. I wonder where I would be now. What if I had decided to do winter track instead of basketball my senior year? What if I had said no when a certain boy asked me to a banquet? What if I had gone to George Fox? What if something had happened between me and a different certain boy I liked? What if I had decided that it was stupid to start something a month before summer? And then to the future. What if I decide to go to Ireland? What if I stopped being a heptathlete? What if I were to screw the Brit Lit final and just wing it? Each of these decisions will be like the ones in the past and will affect me for the rest of my life, and that's scary.
I don't want to deal with it. I see why people live for only the present. The past is depressing and the future is terrifying.
I think I've decided that, as much as I agree with existentialism, you can't escape your past. As much as you decide not to let it affect you, it still will. Just by choosing to "not let it determine you" you are using your past as a litmus test for your actions. And there's a good reason that you can't escape your past. As soon as something happens, as soon as you make a decision, it becomes a part of you. You will now forever have to take that into account in future decisions.
I'm not sure if I like it. I like to look back on hard times and unfair situations and think, "I'm over it. It's finished, I've grown stronger, the end." Well, I'm right on two accounts. It is finished, and I have grown stronger, but I can't ever be over it, and it's never the end. Whatever happens, my past will always be there. It won't end. I can look at my life at this very moment and see how past events are shaping me right now.
Why do I dislike this so much? It's actually a pleasing idea... that bad experiences can shape us positively. But it's not, and I think there are two reasons. One... I don't want to remember them. I value the lessons that I've learned, but I want to retain the lessons while forgetting the pain involved in learning them. But I know that's impossible. If I forget the pain, it's only a matter of time before I forget the lesson as well. Two... sometimes I think I still let the past affect me negatively. Sometimes I think that, though I honestly don't think about it that much, that I let it define me and control me, not influence and guide me. I feel like it's unescapable.
This all brings me to one final topic (almost done, really... got homework to do). Sometimes, well, maybe a little more than that, I think about what would have happened if things in my life had gone differently. I wonder where I would be now. What if I had decided to do winter track instead of basketball my senior year? What if I had said no when a certain boy asked me to a banquet? What if I had gone to George Fox? What if something had happened between me and a different certain boy I liked? What if I had decided that it was stupid to start something a month before summer? And then to the future. What if I decide to go to Ireland? What if I stopped being a heptathlete? What if I were to screw the Brit Lit final and just wing it? Each of these decisions will be like the ones in the past and will affect me for the rest of my life, and that's scary.
I don't want to deal with it. I see why people live for only the present. The past is depressing and the future is terrifying.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Ramblings of my relatively unstable mind.
I find it interesting that with all the things that have been flying through my head lately that I have nothing to say. It's almost like I can't quite verbalize what I'm thinking. Or maybe I just don't want to. Maybe I'm starting to think things that I'm not ready to consider, let alone accept, right now.
In fact, I'm wondering/worrying about a lot of things. How does one make decisions? I like Kierkegaard's concept where you choose to believe something and then make a leap of faith in acting on that belief, but I don't know how to choose what to believe. There are so many decisions in my life that I'm facing right now, and I just don't know what to do. I'm afraid if I don't start deciding to DO things, I'll simply keep rejecting things because "I'm just not sure" and I'll end up never accomplishing anything and all alone.
School is stressing me out. Yesterday in Core, the prof talked about a phenomenon that occurs when women go to college. They lose confidence in their scholastic ability. And it's true. That's what happened to me. I constantly feel like a terrible student, even if I'm getting all As. Why is that? Why am I constantly plagued by feelings of inadequacy? I know that I'm not inadequate. For goodness' sake, I run track in college, I have a 3.9+ GPA, I have great friends... why the heck to I feel this way?
Another thing that's been bugging me, even though I know it shouldn't... it almost feels like, even though I am really close to my friends, that they don't feel comfortable confiding in me. They all seem closer to each other. It makes sense because they all live around here, but sometimes I'll just feel out of the loop. Kate talks to Jeska, Jeska talks to Kate, Brian talks to them both, Waldo talks to Kate, but I'm the one no one confides in. And the thing is, I think it's my fault. According to Interpersonal Communications, if you self-disclose, then others are likely to self-disclose in return. And I don't do that. I don't self-disclose except to a very short list of people. In fact, right now, I can only think of three that I would feel comfortable really pouring out my troubles to. None of them are here.
I think I'm feeling creatively unfulfilled. I want to do stuff that I really care about. I want to come up with a theory that vampirism is caused by prions. I want to make a Princess Zelda costume, I want to find out what happens at the end of a fantasy novel I started a couple years ago, I want to write Keeper of Magic and Memories. I don't want to write about the way different writers portray lust. I don't want to write a scene from my childhood. I don't want to learn about business. I want to create something with meaning for myself. Maybe I like stock horror books. Maybe I like modern fantasy. Maybe I can't think of anything more fun than creating a story line for the next Zelda game or reading a short story by Stephen King. Maybe that's how I become creative instead of through other means.
Wow, looks like I had quite a bit to say after all. And I'm feeling much better for writing it. I suppose the only thing I need to remember is that, whether I pass or fail, whether I'm happy or unhappy, tomorrow will come, the sun will rise, and life will go on.
In fact, I'm wondering/worrying about a lot of things. How does one make decisions? I like Kierkegaard's concept where you choose to believe something and then make a leap of faith in acting on that belief, but I don't know how to choose what to believe. There are so many decisions in my life that I'm facing right now, and I just don't know what to do. I'm afraid if I don't start deciding to DO things, I'll simply keep rejecting things because "I'm just not sure" and I'll end up never accomplishing anything and all alone.
School is stressing me out. Yesterday in Core, the prof talked about a phenomenon that occurs when women go to college. They lose confidence in their scholastic ability. And it's true. That's what happened to me. I constantly feel like a terrible student, even if I'm getting all As. Why is that? Why am I constantly plagued by feelings of inadequacy? I know that I'm not inadequate. For goodness' sake, I run track in college, I have a 3.9+ GPA, I have great friends... why the heck to I feel this way?
Another thing that's been bugging me, even though I know it shouldn't... it almost feels like, even though I am really close to my friends, that they don't feel comfortable confiding in me. They all seem closer to each other. It makes sense because they all live around here, but sometimes I'll just feel out of the loop. Kate talks to Jeska, Jeska talks to Kate, Brian talks to them both, Waldo talks to Kate, but I'm the one no one confides in. And the thing is, I think it's my fault. According to Interpersonal Communications, if you self-disclose, then others are likely to self-disclose in return. And I don't do that. I don't self-disclose except to a very short list of people. In fact, right now, I can only think of three that I would feel comfortable really pouring out my troubles to. None of them are here.
I think I'm feeling creatively unfulfilled. I want to do stuff that I really care about. I want to come up with a theory that vampirism is caused by prions. I want to make a Princess Zelda costume, I want to find out what happens at the end of a fantasy novel I started a couple years ago, I want to write Keeper of Magic and Memories. I don't want to write about the way different writers portray lust. I don't want to write a scene from my childhood. I don't want to learn about business. I want to create something with meaning for myself. Maybe I like stock horror books. Maybe I like modern fantasy. Maybe I can't think of anything more fun than creating a story line for the next Zelda game or reading a short story by Stephen King. Maybe that's how I become creative instead of through other means.
Wow, looks like I had quite a bit to say after all. And I'm feeling much better for writing it. I suppose the only thing I need to remember is that, whether I pass or fail, whether I'm happy or unhappy, tomorrow will come, the sun will rise, and life will go on.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
I am the worst person.
During Core 250, we talked about Jean-Paul Sartre. We had to write ourselves a letter from him stating his opinion on our career choice. Basically, Sartre focuses on the concept of human choice and how often humans give away that choice by letting society define them. Instead of making authentic decisions, he says, humans will simply make decisions that society views as safe, good, acceptable, etc. as a way to keep from having to take responsibility of our actions.
Basically, Sartre told me that I was being unauthentic and letting society define me by giving up on my former career choice of being a writer. (What can I say? I realized I was in no way good enough AT ALL...) He told me that I am choosing contentment over creativity and am not reaching outside of myself to make myself as good as I can be.
And the thing is, he's right. He's so right that it's almost painful to think about. I'm scared, I don't want to be the only one responsible for my success/failure so I'm lying to myself and giving away my God-given freedom (of course, he was an atheist, so he wouldn't agree with that) to society. And the really sad thing... the thing I most wish was untrue but cannot deny... is that I honestly don't care. I would rather give up my freedom than face the nausea of acknowledging its existence.
What's worse... a person who does not see the truth or a person who sees the truth and actively makes the decision to forget it again? I'm pretty sure that answer is obvious.
Basically, Sartre told me that I was being unauthentic and letting society define me by giving up on my former career choice of being a writer. (What can I say? I realized I was in no way good enough AT ALL...) He told me that I am choosing contentment over creativity and am not reaching outside of myself to make myself as good as I can be.
And the thing is, he's right. He's so right that it's almost painful to think about. I'm scared, I don't want to be the only one responsible for my success/failure so I'm lying to myself and giving away my God-given freedom (of course, he was an atheist, so he wouldn't agree with that) to society. And the really sad thing... the thing I most wish was untrue but cannot deny... is that I honestly don't care. I would rather give up my freedom than face the nausea of acknowledging its existence.
What's worse... a person who does not see the truth or a person who sees the truth and actively makes the decision to forget it again? I'm pretty sure that answer is obvious.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Eric, you bore me!
So, apparently the life of a recovering alcoholic is lame and boring. What should happen to Eric now?
The story so far... Eric was an alcoholic, his wife left him. He met an ex-priest, ex-convict who provides some interesting anecdotes and insight. He falls off the wagon, drives drunk, gets caught, and now has to do community service. He meets a girl there, but nothing is going to happen between them because after two minutes I knew they just didn't jive. They can be friends, though. She has a past, but I don't know what yet. His ex-wife is pregnant, and his former mother-in-law had a stroke.
The end.
Tell me what to do next!
The story so far... Eric was an alcoholic, his wife left him. He met an ex-priest, ex-convict who provides some interesting anecdotes and insight. He falls off the wagon, drives drunk, gets caught, and now has to do community service. He meets a girl there, but nothing is going to happen between them because after two minutes I knew they just didn't jive. They can be friends, though. She has a past, but I don't know what yet. His ex-wife is pregnant, and his former mother-in-law had a stroke.
The end.
Tell me what to do next!
Monday, November 12, 2007
The Home Stretch
I'm at that point where I'm just trying to make it through to Thanksgiving. One more full week. I don't even want to think about after Thanksgiving.
I'm feeling a lot better than I did this weekend. I finally got a good, deep night's sleep. I finally don't feel sick today. I'm finally feeling like I might be able to make it to Thanksgiving. Still, though, I don't know if I can face the stretch to Christmas Break.
I'm feeling a lot better than I did this weekend. I finally got a good, deep night's sleep. I finally don't feel sick today. I'm finally feeling like I might be able to make it to Thanksgiving. Still, though, I don't know if I can face the stretch to Christmas Break.
Thursday, November 8, 2007
Northern Ireland!!!
So, I talked to the lady in charge of students studying abroad and such today and told her that I would be interested in studying abroad first semester next year.
I would have to pay my regular tuition, the plane flight, $315 application fee, and $50 a month for insurance, which isn't a bad deal... except for the Whitworth tuition part, but I've become resigned to that. One of the universities I could study at is in Northern Ireland where my grandpa is from. Apparently I still even have relatives there! (Of course, they don't know me, but they actually know my mom!) It would be really cool, but...
Well, there's a few things. First, it's so far away. I went to Whitworth for a reason. It's still sort of close to home. If anything goes terribly wrong (stress fracture, say) my mom or dad can come up and help me. Second, track. I could still do track, but I feel like I'd be missing out on a lot of good work in the fall semester if I was gone. Third, for some ridiculous reason, their first semester doesn't end at Christmas. Finals are after Christmas break, and the college closes over Christmas. I wouldn't be able to have Christmas with my family AND I really wouldn't have a place to stay during Christmas, would I? And fourth, due to that, I would have to give up not only one semester away but a Jan Term as well... can my four-year plan manage that? Fifth... well, I'm a little strange, and this may sound paranoid, but what if everyone there hated me and I had a miserable semester alone, doing homework and not much else?
It sounds really cool... the classes I could take sound awesome, and when would I get the chance to stay in Ireland again, in the land of my ancestors? I've always said studying abroad sounds like fun, but it's a little more difficult when it comes to making the decision.
I would have to pay my regular tuition, the plane flight, $315 application fee, and $50 a month for insurance, which isn't a bad deal... except for the Whitworth tuition part, but I've become resigned to that. One of the universities I could study at is in Northern Ireland where my grandpa is from. Apparently I still even have relatives there! (Of course, they don't know me, but they actually know my mom!) It would be really cool, but...
Well, there's a few things. First, it's so far away. I went to Whitworth for a reason. It's still sort of close to home. If anything goes terribly wrong (stress fracture, say) my mom or dad can come up and help me. Second, track. I could still do track, but I feel like I'd be missing out on a lot of good work in the fall semester if I was gone. Third, for some ridiculous reason, their first semester doesn't end at Christmas. Finals are after Christmas break, and the college closes over Christmas. I wouldn't be able to have Christmas with my family AND I really wouldn't have a place to stay during Christmas, would I? And fourth, due to that, I would have to give up not only one semester away but a Jan Term as well... can my four-year plan manage that? Fifth... well, I'm a little strange, and this may sound paranoid, but what if everyone there hated me and I had a miserable semester alone, doing homework and not much else?
It sounds really cool... the classes I could take sound awesome, and when would I get the chance to stay in Ireland again, in the land of my ancestors? I've always said studying abroad sounds like fun, but it's a little more difficult when it comes to making the decision.
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
Determinism vs. Existentialism
So this summer I struggled with the concept of whether or not people could really change, and it's been brought up again because of Eric (in my novel) and the fact that we are talking about determinisn and existentialism in Core 250, so I feel the need to revisit the subject.
It seems to me that people generally don't change. Someone behaves in a certain way, and they stay that way. People don't just get "nice" all of a sudden. A leopard can't change his stripes, a "former alcoholic" is just an alcoholic waiting for an excuse to go back. And so my intial thought it that people can't change. A sad fact of human nature is that you can't go back and change your life. It doesn't work that way. It all felt rather cynical to me, and I liked it that way.
But then, there is always the exception. There is always the person with the troubled past, with the bad mistakes, who uses those mistakes to learn and grow and become a better person, not devoid of the past, not forgetting it, but constantly aware of it and using it as a reminder of what used to be and of what should not be returned to. And I realized that people can change. Isn't that the whole point of Christianity? With God's help we can live a new life, free from the sin we were once entrapped in?
But then again, what about my original observation? That people who did an undesireable activity always turned back to it? Even after they promised to change, it always drew them back, and they fell under it again? How could that be accounted for if people are free to change? And then it hit me.
People CAN change. They can leave behind the past, use it to learn, become a better person, do good instead of evil. They can. But they don't. Every day you're alive, every day I'm alive is an opportunity to change for the better. It's all there to reach up and grasp. People CAN change, but they DON'T. Even though it's so simple (notice I didn't say 'easy') they choose instead day after to day to remain the same. And I think (though some have disagreed) that this idea is far more depressing than the first. It's not that we CAN'T change that makes me wonder about the decency of humans, it's actually that we CAN.
It seems to me that people generally don't change. Someone behaves in a certain way, and they stay that way. People don't just get "nice" all of a sudden. A leopard can't change his stripes, a "former alcoholic" is just an alcoholic waiting for an excuse to go back. And so my intial thought it that people can't change. A sad fact of human nature is that you can't go back and change your life. It doesn't work that way. It all felt rather cynical to me, and I liked it that way.
But then, there is always the exception. There is always the person with the troubled past, with the bad mistakes, who uses those mistakes to learn and grow and become a better person, not devoid of the past, not forgetting it, but constantly aware of it and using it as a reminder of what used to be and of what should not be returned to. And I realized that people can change. Isn't that the whole point of Christianity? With God's help we can live a new life, free from the sin we were once entrapped in?
But then again, what about my original observation? That people who did an undesireable activity always turned back to it? Even after they promised to change, it always drew them back, and they fell under it again? How could that be accounted for if people are free to change? And then it hit me.
People CAN change. They can leave behind the past, use it to learn, become a better person, do good instead of evil. They can. But they don't. Every day you're alive, every day I'm alive is an opportunity to change for the better. It's all there to reach up and grasp. People CAN change, but they DON'T. Even though it's so simple (notice I didn't say 'easy') they choose instead day after to day to remain the same. And I think (though some have disagreed) that this idea is far more depressing than the first. It's not that we CAN'T change that makes me wonder about the decency of humans, it's actually that we CAN.
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
A poem I wrote awhile ago...
This is a poem I wrote during the poetry section of Creative Writing when I was basically churning out a poem a day... I like the sound of it, despite the fact that I'm not 100% sure what it means...
Try to Remember (please don’t forget)
Feet hardened and calloused, walking
(somewhere)
stick worn smooth where the hand has grasped it while
traveling over rocky terrain.
(was it rocky? or muddy?)
An endless cycle of backdrops scrolls
past as traveling feet grow more and more heavy.
(oh for the time before weariness!)
Deep lines etched into the brow from years
of constantly narrowed eyes,
(thinking, trying to remember)
looking into the sun
and searching for something
(forgotten now what it was)
that will be recognized when found.
A journey, no end in sight,
(when was the beginning?)
following the one command still remembered.
“Go west in morning,
East in evening to keep your
Shadow behind you.”
Try to Remember (please don’t forget)
Feet hardened and calloused, walking
(somewhere)
stick worn smooth where the hand has grasped it while
traveling over rocky terrain.
(was it rocky? or muddy?)
An endless cycle of backdrops scrolls
past as traveling feet grow more and more heavy.
(oh for the time before weariness!)
Deep lines etched into the brow from years
of constantly narrowed eyes,
(thinking, trying to remember)
looking into the sun
and searching for something
(forgotten now what it was)
that will be recognized when found.
A journey, no end in sight,
(when was the beginning?)
following the one command still remembered.
“Go west in morning,
East in evening to keep your
Shadow behind you.”
Change in pace...
So, those of you that know me (which is anyone who would read this...) know that during November I always participate in National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo) where you write a novel in a month.
This month, I was going to write about a group who starts a revolution just for the heck of it. It was going to be an interesting study on society, change, apathy, and groupthink. Instead, it just turned quite quickly into crap. And five days in, I already hated it more than anything else. It was worse than my novel in a day. So I decided to start over.
One problem. Zero ideas. I knew I needed to start over, but I had no idea what to do. So I was going to the bathroom when suddenly I had a character and a starting scene in my mind. He even came with a name. Eric was drunk and being thrown out of a bar because they wouldn't serve drunks.
So I took it and ran. I'm only 1775 words into this new story, but so far, Eric is an alcoholic who can't find a good job and is trying to support his wife. He goes home, they get into an argument, he shoves her, and she tells him that she's pregnant and leaving. Poor Eric!
But yeah, I'm liking this story a lot better. Eric is a lot more in depth than any of the characters from my other novel. Anna, Peter, Edward, and Carleigh, you guys can just rot!
This month, I was going to write about a group who starts a revolution just for the heck of it. It was going to be an interesting study on society, change, apathy, and groupthink. Instead, it just turned quite quickly into crap. And five days in, I already hated it more than anything else. It was worse than my novel in a day. So I decided to start over.
One problem. Zero ideas. I knew I needed to start over, but I had no idea what to do. So I was going to the bathroom when suddenly I had a character and a starting scene in my mind. He even came with a name. Eric was drunk and being thrown out of a bar because they wouldn't serve drunks.
So I took it and ran. I'm only 1775 words into this new story, but so far, Eric is an alcoholic who can't find a good job and is trying to support his wife. He goes home, they get into an argument, he shoves her, and she tells him that she's pregnant and leaving. Poor Eric!
But yeah, I'm liking this story a lot better. Eric is a lot more in depth than any of the characters from my other novel. Anna, Peter, Edward, and Carleigh, you guys can just rot!
Sunday, November 4, 2007
My first societal rant...
What is it with society today? It thinks of one of the worst things it does as a service.
Kids, teenagers, and even adults are bombarded with the idea that you can do anything if you try hard enough. A boy who loves basketball says he wants to be in the NBA when he grows up, and his teacher says, “Well, just keep on practicing, and maybe you will be someday.” And it’s a lie. The teacher is outright lying to a little boy who doesn’t know better than to believe him. The kid is short, scrawny, not all that athletic, and he is being told he can be the best of the best. Just wait till he hits freshman year of high school and gets cut from the team. What will that do to him? It will crush him.
But at least he was forced to face reality before some people. What about the kid who dreams of being a doctor only to go to college for it and realize he’s not smart enough? What about the kid who dreams of being a writer only to realize that in this case, it’s not about trying harder, it’s about giving up because he really doesn't have the talent?
Adults think they’re helping their kids to achieve greatness when they urge them to chase their dreams. But do you know what they’re doing? They’re contributing to the millions of depressed adults and teenagers who have realized that they aren’t all they ever dreamed of, the people who have finally been forced by circumstance to accept the true nature of reality. They’re forcing young people to come up with hopes and dreams for the sole purpose of being disappointed.
You can’t be whatever you want to be. I can't be whatever I want to be. No one can be what they want to be. The American Dream is a lie.
Kids, teenagers, and even adults are bombarded with the idea that you can do anything if you try hard enough. A boy who loves basketball says he wants to be in the NBA when he grows up, and his teacher says, “Well, just keep on practicing, and maybe you will be someday.” And it’s a lie. The teacher is outright lying to a little boy who doesn’t know better than to believe him. The kid is short, scrawny, not all that athletic, and he is being told he can be the best of the best. Just wait till he hits freshman year of high school and gets cut from the team. What will that do to him? It will crush him.
But at least he was forced to face reality before some people. What about the kid who dreams of being a doctor only to go to college for it and realize he’s not smart enough? What about the kid who dreams of being a writer only to realize that in this case, it’s not about trying harder, it’s about giving up because he really doesn't have the talent?
Adults think they’re helping their kids to achieve greatness when they urge them to chase their dreams. But do you know what they’re doing? They’re contributing to the millions of depressed adults and teenagers who have realized that they aren’t all they ever dreamed of, the people who have finally been forced by circumstance to accept the true nature of reality. They’re forcing young people to come up with hopes and dreams for the sole purpose of being disappointed.
You can’t be whatever you want to be. I can't be whatever I want to be. No one can be what they want to be. The American Dream is a lie.
So, what's up with the title?
I know it's a bit random, but I saw a blood moon one night, and my little sister and I decided that I needed to write a story or poem called "Under the Blood Moon." Of course, I suck at that kind of thing, so I decided to name my blog that instead. So yeah, that's where the title came from. It's just so catchy I had to use it somewhere.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
