So I've been thinking about the past lately. Not specific events, necessarily, but overarching themes and how my reactions to previous situations have determined my present. I'm not sure where I'm going with this, but I feel like I need to delve into it a little, so bear with me.
I think I've decided that, as much as I agree with existentialism, you can't escape your past. As much as you decide not to let it affect you, it still will. Just by choosing to "not let it determine you" you are using your past as a litmus test for your actions. And there's a good reason that you can't escape your past. As soon as something happens, as soon as you make a decision, it becomes a part of you. You will now forever have to take that into account in future decisions.
I'm not sure if I like it. I like to look back on hard times and unfair situations and think, "I'm over it. It's finished, I've grown stronger, the end." Well, I'm right on two accounts. It is finished, and I have grown stronger, but I can't ever be over it, and it's never the end. Whatever happens, my past will always be there. It won't end. I can look at my life at this very moment and see how past events are shaping me right now.
Why do I dislike this so much? It's actually a pleasing idea... that bad experiences can shape us positively. But it's not, and I think there are two reasons. One... I don't want to remember them. I value the lessons that I've learned, but I want to retain the lessons while forgetting the pain involved in learning them. But I know that's impossible. If I forget the pain, it's only a matter of time before I forget the lesson as well. Two... sometimes I think I still let the past affect me negatively. Sometimes I think that, though I honestly don't think about it that much, that I let it define me and control me, not influence and guide me. I feel like it's unescapable.
This all brings me to one final topic (almost done, really... got homework to do). Sometimes, well, maybe a little more than that, I think about what would have happened if things in my life had gone differently. I wonder where I would be now. What if I had decided to do winter track instead of basketball my senior year? What if I had said no when a certain boy asked me to a banquet? What if I had gone to George Fox? What if something had happened between me and a different certain boy I liked? What if I had decided that it was stupid to start something a month before summer? And then to the future. What if I decide to go to Ireland? What if I stopped being a heptathlete? What if I were to screw the Brit Lit final and just wing it? Each of these decisions will be like the ones in the past and will affect me for the rest of my life, and that's scary.
I don't want to deal with it. I see why people live for only the present. The past is depressing and the future is terrifying.
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2 comments:
i agree with you that the past shapes who you are and will always affect you, and that the future is simply terrifying, but living in the present isn't bad... i know that you probably didn't mean to make it sound like a negative thing, but living in the present is Biblical in the way that the Lord tells each of us to deal with each day one at a time... personally, i don't think people embrace the present near as much as they should... :) as for the future, you can be certain that God has it in control and will be there the entire way. i love you so much kt, and i miss you!
k, so i thought about this so much that I decided to just respond in a blog of my own.
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