Ramblings of my relatively unstable mind.

I find it interesting that with all the things that have been flying through my head lately that I have nothing to say. It's almost like I can't quite verbalize what I'm thinking. Or maybe I just don't want to. Maybe I'm starting to think things that I'm not ready to consider, let alone accept, right now.

In fact, I'm wondering/worrying about a lot of things. How does one make decisions? I like Kierkegaard's concept where you choose to believe something and then make a leap of faith in acting on that belief, but I don't know how to choose what to believe. There are so many decisions in my life that I'm facing right now, and I just don't know what to do. I'm afraid if I don't start deciding to DO things, I'll simply keep rejecting things because "I'm just not sure" and I'll end up never accomplishing anything and all alone.

School is stressing me out. Yesterday in Core, the prof talked about a phenomenon that occurs when women go to college. They lose confidence in their scholastic ability. And it's true. That's what happened to me. I constantly feel like a terrible student, even if I'm getting all As. Why is that? Why am I constantly plagued by feelings of inadequacy? I know that I'm not inadequate. For goodness' sake, I run track in college, I have a 3.9+ GPA, I have great friends... why the heck to I feel this way?

Another thing that's been bugging me, even though I know it shouldn't... it almost feels like, even though I am really close to my friends, that they don't feel comfortable confiding in me. They all seem closer to each other. It makes sense because they all live around here, but sometimes I'll just feel out of the loop. Kate talks to Jeska, Jeska talks to Kate, Brian talks to them both, Waldo talks to Kate, but I'm the one no one confides in. And the thing is, I think it's my fault. According to Interpersonal Communications, if you self-disclose, then others are likely to self-disclose in return. And I don't do that. I don't self-disclose except to a very short list of people. In fact, right now, I can only think of three that I would feel comfortable really pouring out my troubles to. None of them are here.

I think I'm feeling creatively unfulfilled. I want to do stuff that I really care about. I want to come up with a theory that vampirism is caused by prions. I want to make a Princess Zelda costume, I want to find out what happens at the end of a fantasy novel I started a couple years ago, I want to write Keeper of Magic and Memories. I don't want to write about the way different writers portray lust. I don't want to write a scene from my childhood. I don't want to learn about business. I want to create something with meaning for myself. Maybe I like stock horror books. Maybe I like modern fantasy. Maybe I can't think of anything more fun than creating a story line for the next Zelda game or reading a short story by Stephen King. Maybe that's how I become creative instead of through other means.

Wow, looks like I had quite a bit to say after all. And I'm feeling much better for writing it. I suppose the only thing I need to remember is that, whether I pass or fail, whether I'm happy or unhappy, tomorrow will come, the sun will rise, and life will go on.